The Caper Continuum
by Eternal Contradiction
Summary: Sequel to Prank Wars. "I've got a proposal to make. I think we should continue this prank war, only instead of targeting each other, we should target other people. Like, say, Leonard, Howard and Raj? Maybe we can get some Kripke or Wheaton in there too.
1. Chapter 1

_**The Caper Continuum**_

_Chapter 1: Kripke_

Sheldon had kissed her.

Ok, so she had kissed Sheldon, but he hadn't been opposed to it, at all. He had barely even hesitated to the sensation of her mouth before adjusting the kiss away from the rash and harsh press of her lips against his, just to make him stop talking, to something far more substantial, softer, and more thrilling. He had been the one to do that, not her.

So Sheldon had kissed her, but it wasn't the kiss that she remembered, it was the feel of his grasp against her body when he clutched at her, his warm breath against her chest as he snickered into her shoulder. She remembered the way he had felt pressed against her, and the way he hadn't let go of her until his mirth dissipated and he stopped laughing.

She would do anything to bring that feeling back. He had kissed her, and she wanted it to happen again, but even more she wanted him to be comfortable with her, to touch her because he wanted to. Instead, he was back to flinching every time she put a hand on his arm, and the idea of getting another kiss seemed even farther away now that he knew it could happen.

"I've got a proposal to make," she said, bursting into the apartment moments after the sound of Leonard closing the door and disappearing down the stairway faded away. "I think we should continue this prank war, only instead of targeting each other, we should target other people. Like, say, Leonard, Howard and Raj? Maybe we can get some Kripke or Wheaton in there too."

Sheldon looked at her in interest. "Why?" he asked.

"Well," Penny said, taking a breath. She had thought about this carefully, but had spent less attention to why he should agree to it and more to the fact that when he did maybe he would hug her to celebrate successful pranks. "Laughter is the best medicine, and I never laughed so hard as I did when Leonard walked into that goop you set up. I felt happy and amused for days. It probably helped you too, I could see your lips twitch every time he got cross towards you."

"Leonard's my best friend," Sheldon said, his eyebrows knitting together. "And I hold Raj and Howard's companionship in regard as well. Would I not jeopardize that?"

"It's all in good fun, Sheldon. If we did it right they might not even know it was us. You're a genius, surely we could find a way to make them think they're pranking each other. Come on Sheldon, your big devious brain is just going to waste on paintball and Halo. This would elevate you to evil mastermind status."

"I'm Batman, not Joker," he said with finality.

Penny laughed, but kept her mouth closed, feeling now was not the time to bring up his creepy false smile.

"Ok, I wasn't going to tell you this, but the reason I think we should do this is because I heard Leonard tell Howard the other day that he didn't think you were clever enough to ever deliberately get one over on him." That was a patent lie, but whatever. She was committed now, and didn't feel bad about playing him. It was probably hugely dysfunctional to try to start a relationship with him by tricking him into it, but Sheldon didn't really respond to her usual seduction techniques. He hadn't even appreciated it when she spent an hour quizzing him on the basic physics textbook she was trying to slog through. "He thinks you have a higher IQ than him, of course," she amended when Sheldon gave her a look of disbelief. "He just doesn't think you're devious."

"I'm not devious," Sheldon pointed out in his righteous voice. "I cannot keep a secret, and underhandedness makes me feel uncomfortable."

He never seemed to have any issue being underhanded around her, starting with breaking into her apartment to clean, cumulating into various schemes and finishing in this last prank war they had. "Sheldon, there's a big different between being unable to keep a secret and being devious. You might not be able to keep a secret, but you're a damn Machiavellian genius. I can take care of the secret part. Are you going to let him talk about you like you're some kind of idiot?"

Sheldon looked shocked and then his eyes narrowed in fury. She always got a thrill when he got that look on his face, especially when it wasn't directed at her. Ok, that was a lie, she got a thrill when it was directed at her as well, but it was a completely different type of thrill. "I assume you have a plan?" he asked her, his voice delightfully low in resentment at the implied slight against his intelligence.

"Oh yes," she breathed. She did have a plan.

Step 1: Get Sheldon to agree with her plan. (crossed out already. Wow, was she making progress or what?)

Step 2: Suggest a prank to play on Leonard/Raj/Howard/Kripke/Wheaton

Step 3: Sit close to Sheldon and plan plans. Argue a lot. Keep alone time going as long as possible.

Step 4: Be sneaky.

Step 5: Snog the pants off Sheldon Lee Cooper. Bonus points for being literal.

Instead of sharing this with him, she gave him a small smile and fluttered her eyelashes, all signs of flirtation that he was likely too obtuse to get, but it made her feel better, as though she were in control. "Is there anyone you would like to prank first?"

x.x.x.x.

They decided to wait a month before starting their plan (their plan!). This was mostly due to the fact that LHR were all still wary of the two of them, as if at any moment Sheldon would declare the truce void and they would start pranking each other again.

She imagined that if they knew, Leonard would be the most frightened; but he didn't have to worry.

Sheldon wanted to save him for last.

The last prank war was on the forefront of all their minds, and Penny knew that if they caught her and Sheldon scheming together over a whiteboard, they would understand what was going on and run for the hills. Screaming. Like girls.

So she waited, biding her time. It wasn't as if she never saw Sheldon, she did. She trumped his ass at Halo, and every once and a while let him win just to shake things up. One Saturday morning when she found herself dragging her sorry drunk ass home after 6 am, she stopped by to watch Doctor Who and took a nap on his shoulder, her mouth open wide as she both drooled and snored.

Penny actually considered herself pretty lucky he rarely noticed when she did unattractive things, because that one took the cake. As it was, he spent the five minutes she was sleeping trying to simultaneously push her head away from him without touching her while edging up the arm of the couch to get away. She woke up to her head jerking as it tumbled down his chest and one of his butt-cheeks braced half way up the armrest.

And she realized something while waiting that long month: this wasn't about his comfort level with her person, or about getting to make out with him if she could, this was about showing him that together they could rule the world. She really believed that.

x.x.x.x.x.

Penny was the one who came up with the idea of discussing their nefarious plans under the ruse of making Penny Blossoms. She had even invited Leonard, Howard and Raj to join them. All three of them would shudder whenever they heard the term "Penny Blossoms" so she wasn't surprised when Howard and Raj begged off, claiming a condition of ennui caused by the hot glue.

She looked it up. She knew what they really meant.

Leonard agreed, a situation which made Sheldon clench his jaw in annoyance, but Penny was undeterred. She figured that might happen, as Leonard hadn't given up on the quest to get in her pants. However, Penny didn't get her reputation for being a sneaky, devious, baby bull castrator for nothing. She figured Leonard might agree to suffer through a few hours of making Penny Blossoms and so she made sure he really suffered for it. Sheldon was in top form, barking orders and leading a rousing rendition of various sea-shanties and work songs. Penny did nothing to stop him, in fact she encouraged him to do his worst. As vulgar as it was, it kind of turned her on.

So, she couldn't really be blamed for accidentally forgetting not to serve Leonard milk produces, what with the state of her panties and all. Plus, it was Leonard's fault he chose to eat said milk products.

After that, Leonard got a pinched expression on his face whenever she invited Sheldon over to make Penny Blossoms and refused the invite.

The best part: she and Sheldon always made Penny Blossoms, just so he would never have to lie about what they were doing. She was making money off this! Sheldon might think he was the mastermind genius, but obviously that title belonged to her.

"So where do you want to start?" she asked him the first time they were alone. She was perched on her side of the couch and he was (as always) to her left. He might find the chair more suited to be his spot, but after sitting on her couch enough times, his mind was swayed into changing his assessment.

She liked the idea that his judgement could be influenced with enough routine exposure to his patterns. Penny saw this as a good sign.

"Where we always start," he responded in surprised lecture-mode tone. "While we wait for the hot glue to reach a temperature of 250 degrees Fahrenheit, we should ensure the various components are arranged within reaching distance. The glitter needs to be close to your left hand, as it is used the most."

"I meant with the pranking," she correctly gently, picking up the glue gun.

"Oh, you should have elaborated," he told her, easily joining the rhythm of her work. "I have created dossiers on both Kripke and Wheaton, as you have never met them. Each folder contains pertinent information I have gathered or observed, recent photographs, and a brief synopsis of why they are on my 10 Most Hated list." He paused his speech, hands still rapidly moving in rhythm over the Penny Blossoms, and glanced over at his messenger bag beside him on the couch, well within reaching distance. "They're in my bag. Penny! This subterfuge isn't going to work if I can't use my hands."

She reached over and put her hand over his, stilling him. He gave her an askance glance, but didn't jerk his hand away.

Progress, she thought, was sometimes blatantly visible if you knew where to look for it.

"Sheldon, you just said it. The Penny Blossoms are just a ruse, so for now anything prank related takes priority over the efficiency of the production line, ok? Even if we only make one Penny Blossom in the time you're here, you can still go home and tell Leonard you were making Penny Blossoms if he asks and not lie about it."

"That would be a lie," Sheldon pointed out. "I would have to tell him we made Penny Blossom. Singular."

"So we'll make two!" she snapped.

He nodded, reaching over and retrieving the files. "Guard these with your life," he told her in all seriousness. "They cannot fall into enemy hands or we will have to cancel the entire campaign. If you like, I will devise a safe hiding place for you."

She should have said yes, just to see what he came up with and so she could spend a little bit of extra time with him, but his implication that she couldn't find a safe hiding place for a couple of sheets of paper put her back up. "I have my own hiding places!" she told him.

"If you're referring to the shoebox under your bed, that isn't a hiding spot. It's a joke."

Penny blushed. She hadn't been talking about that, actually, and the idea that he knew it was there was embarrassing. "Sheldon," she warned. "When a girl has a shoebox under her bed with the type of stuff that shoebox is filled with, you don't bring it up in conversation. You pretend you don't know about it."

"I wouldn't have to pretend if you hid it better," he responded, confused.

"It's not exactly hidden," she said through gritted teeth. "It's just kept out of the way but within easy access if I need it. Don't you get it, it's embarrassing."

"I don't understand why a Barbie collection is embarrassing."

"Because I take them out and play with them sometimes, ok!" Penny snapped defensively. Then, she remembered who she was talking to. Sheldon, the man who had a room full of comic books, action figurines (and dolls), and various toy collectables. He wouldn't care if she played with Barbies. On whimsical days he probably arranged his mint condition Trek action figures, still in their boxes of course, in various tableaus of scenes from the show. "I'll tell you what. Give me a chance to look at the files. I'll hide them, and then you can search my apartment looking for them. If you find them too easily, you can hide them yourself. Would that make you happy?"

Sheldon gave her an impenetrable glance. "My happiness is contingent on winning the Nobel. In fact, that sounds like a waste of precious time I could be using to work on my current equations."

"Rhetorical question, Sheldon," Penny said, a tad impatiently. "I'll hide the files, ok? How about we move on. Who do you want to prank first?"

"No, no, no," Sheldon responded firmly. "We must discuss the contract first," he told her and handed her a packet of papers.

Oh joy, how could she have forgotten? Penny was tempted to just sign the stupid thing without reading it, but Sheldon had once inserted a hidden clause in one of their contracts that said she had to make herself available to drive him to work in the event that Leonard was ill or was working nights. It had taken her three months to have the clause repealed and had only won her case eventually by being sneaky.

Maybe if show business didn't work out for her she should consider being a lawyer. Better yet, maybe she should try to play one on television.

So she slogged through the contract, pleased to note that he hadn't made any of the steps in her own plan impossible. Basically, it just said they had to agree on everything before a prank could be implemented. While she rarely agreed with Sheldon on anything, she could probably keep her end of the deal. It was for the greater good, so long as the greater good was her lips on Sheldon's.

And really, he hadn't even contractually forbidden her from touching him. His mouth was fair game.

So Penny signed away her freedom and didn't even feel that pit of dread heavy in her stomach like she usually did when dealing with Sheldon and contracts.

"Now what?" she asked, shuffling closer to Sheldon on the couch.

"Kripke."

x.x.x.x.

"There's a step ladder in here," Sheldon said, his Caltech keys heavy in his hand as he opened the door to the supply closet.

"We're evil," Penny declared with a grin to him, sidling past him before he had a chance to move out of the way. Within moments, he was directing her down the hallway towards Kripke's office. "I always wanted to do the whole glue-things-to-the-ceiling prank."

Sheldon's lips curled up in his slightly evil megalomaniac grin. "This isn't just a glue-things-to-the-ceiling prank, Penny. Kripke has been working on creating a device to prove the Saha equation. If it were to work, an unfortunate side effect would be ionization of particles in the surrounding air."

"So basically he's gonna walk in here tomorrow morning and think his latest experiment worked?" Penny asked, lugging the ladder down the hallway. It banged uncomfortably against her shins, and she wondered why she was the one carrying it. Sheldon usually at least tried to act gentlemanly, though Penny usually shut down his insistence to help carry her groceries or open the door for her. Her feminist ideals had nothing to do with it; rather, it was a combination of independent pig-headedness and a worry that he would drop all her eggs. Now that she was trying to establish some kind of relationship with him, she wanted him to_ offer_ to do things for her, and just when she had managed to train him out of it too.

"Precisely," Sheldon told her, that same slight smile on his face as he held the door to Kripke's office open for her.

Penny grinned at him, wrestling the ladder through the door. "We're evil," she said again, giving the second word emphasis.

"Indeed," Sheldon agreed with a nod.

Penny stopped short once inside Kripke's office cum working space. She'd been worried it would be a mess and it would take hours to glue everything to the ceiling, but instead the office was completely spare of items lying around. "Ah man," she said, leaning the ladder against a table. "This guy makes you look like a pack rat."

"I don't understand," Sheldon said, looking around with a perplexed expression. "He cleaned? How did he know we were coming?"

"It's probably just a coincidence," Penny said, jumping up on the counter.

"I don't believe in coincidences," Sheldon declared, looking around suspiciously.

"Well he couldn't have known unless he has my apartment bugged," Penny pointed out. "We've been careful not to leave an electronic trail." Which Sheldon had insisted on, paranoid that Leonard, Howard or Raj would try to hack her email account. "And even if Leonard or the guys figured it out, they wouldn't warn _Kripke._ They hate him almost as much as you do."

Sheldon still didn't look convinced.

"We'll come back," Penny promised. "If we don't use this pwank on Kwipke, we'ww use it on Weonawd, Howawd, or Waj. You know Coopew, I think I know why Kwipke isn't fwiends with any of you guys. He can't say youw names."

Sheldon gave her a stern look and Penny simply grinned at him. "Rhotacism isn't a joking matter. It is a legitimate speech impediment and is common among speakers of languages with a trilled R."

"You've got no moral ground to stand on Sheldon Lee Cooper, you're standing in this office about to prank some guy you don't like. A prank, I might add, that will make him think he successfully proved some Sahara equation until he finds the glue. I mean, that's evil."

"You're right," Sheldon said with wide eyes. "I can't do that. Who knows what implications it could have on the scientific community if Kripke doesn't realize it is a joke?"

Well, she hadn't meant to talk him out of it, but whatever. "Come here," she said. "I have something we can do that's even better."

"What?" Sheldon asked, stepping closer to her. He was so easy sometimes. "Contractually, any pranks need to be mutually agreed upon by both parties."

Penny reached out and grabbed Sheldon, tugging him off balance so he careened into her and settled with his arms braced on either side of her hips. She brought her arms around his shoulders, keeping him in place with the weight of her embrace and her calves sliding around the back of his knees.

"Penny!" Sheldon expressed, voice in the higher decibels he was capable of.

"Sheldon," Penny responded with a smirk and then leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. "I think we should..." she broke off as he leaned forward, lips against hers. Penny's eyes widened in surprise and she tilted into the kiss, pressing her mouth against his pouty lower lip and teasing it with a quick dart of her tongue. His mouth opened slightly, relaxing against hers, and suddenly it wasn't just a chaste and innocent pressure of lips against lips, but outright making out, his body moving closer to hers as she explored his mouth with her tongue. Wow, just wow, she thought, curling her tongue behind his teeth. He hadn't responded much beyond allowing her access, but every so often he would tentatively press the tip of his tongue against hers before quickly drawing away.

She really hadn't expected this. She thought it would take months of closed-mouth, innocent kisses before he even let her tongue emerge from her mouth. Now he was nibbling at her bottom lip, teeth sharp against the sensitive skin before he let go.

_What?_

"...make out," she finished, pulling away to catch her breath.

Holy shit holy shit holy shit, Penny thought. She and Sheldon were totally making out in Barry Kripke's office and she hadn't even had to suggest it first.

"I'm not convinced that's a good idea. I don't see how it would be beneficial to our quest to be prank champions," he argued, mouth teasing a certain spot beneath her ear that had her fighting against the urge to simultaneously throw back her head in a moan and jerk his hips towards her. He'd probably freak and run, she rationalized, though she couldn't help but wonder if that was true. He was kissing her and wasn't even acting weird about it.

His hand slid over her hip, long fingers moulding to the contours of her body. At the same time, his teeth scraped across the erogenous point just above the pulse in her neck and Penny arched against him. "Ooooh," she breathed. "I don't know. It's an excellent idea. The next time he taunts you, you can just smirk at him and think 'I made out in your office.' I bet he's never made out in here."

"You have no way of knowing that," Sheldon pointed out, stepping away from her.

What? What the hell? Penny asked herself, staring at him in shock. She was pretty sure her mouth was gaping unattractively. Was he serious? She really needed to justify a reason why making out would be a good prank?

Yeah, she had nothing, she thought with a pout as he watched her expectantly as if she had all the answers. The best she had was 'you were into it a moment ago' which probably wouldn't go over very well. Penny shrugged a shoulder, leaning back suggestively as she stared back at him. She licked her lips. "What do you suggest we do?"

"We already have the glue. We could adhere work supplies to his desk."

"There's nothing on his desk," Penny pointed out with a smirk, pleased that her cognitive functions weren't the only ones all addled and fuzzied because Sheldon's hand had totally been sliding towards her ass.

Sheldon opened the top drawer and tossed a calculator on the wooden desk top.

Yeah, Sheldon Cooper probably wasn't aware just how evil he was.

x.x.x

Leonard was shocked.

Penny and Sheldon were dating, Leonard was sure of it. At first he tried to deny what was right in front of him, believing Sheldon's explanation for the scene he, Howard and Raj walked in on in the kitchen as being the truth. Sheldon couldn't lie, and the idea that Penny glued herself to the floor was far more believable than the idea that they had actually heard what he thought they heard.

But now he was starting to wonder. They had been awfully cosy that day he had the horrid green goop dropped on him, and at first he thought he had hallucinated the fact that they had been kissing when he walked in. It was Sheldon. And Penny. Sheldon and Penny. The equation didn't even make sense in his mind.

But now he had actual proof for his hypothesis. Penny and Sheldon were definitely dating. When he had arrived to help make Penny Blossoms, the two sat side-by-side on the couch.

When Sheldon barked, "Pick up the pace, Leonard!" Penny had hid a smile.

When Sheldon had claimed "For someone whose work is highly derivative, I'd thought you'd be used to turning off your higher brain functions," Penny giggled.

When Sheldon demanded "WORK FASTER," Penny had given him an appreciative look. She thought he didn't notice, but he did. It was hard not to notice when the girl you couldn't take your eyes off kept shooting lusty glances at your best friend, the asexual guy.

So Leonard got the hint when Penny said "No, I swear these are vegan cookies" and he ended up clutching the side of the sink in distress as it became obvious that the cookies were not vegan, but were actually made with milk. From a cow.

And Sheldon had smiled at her when she offered him the plate.

Fuck his life, like seriously. He was figuring out his hopes and dreams of marrying the beautiful girl next door were pretty much down the shitter, while on the shitter. He couldn't have figured it out earlier before consuming eight cookies?

Though they had been quite tasty.

x.x.x.x.

So a week later when Sheldon came back from his date with Penny, Leonard asked "What were you and Penny up to?"

"We were making Penny Blossoms. Did you know that waitresses only make minimum wage, most times less than minimum wage, and are forced to rely on the benevolence of their customers to make up the difference? It's no wonder Penny's financials are in ruins. If that's any indication towards the goodwill of waitresses in the establishments we frequent, it's no wonder service is habitually subpar."

No tic. Sheldon wasn't lying. Apparently a fishing expedition was in order. "What else did you do? Surely you didn't spend the entire three hours just making Penny Blossoms."

"Don't be absurd," Sheldon said scathingly. "On cannot simply make Penny Blossoms for three hours, not with someone as gregarious as Penny for company. She and I sang the usual songs we use to measure production, we chatted idly. I recollected the time you took up skateboarding to impress Wolowitz and lacerated your chin with the back of the deck when you grabbed it out of the back seat of your car. Penny laughed."

"That's ALL?" Leonard asked.

"Yes," Sheldon responded with a tic.

Oh God, Leonard realized. Sheldon and Penny were having sex.

x.x.x.x.x.

**Boring A/N:** Sorry about the delay in getting this up, but there were so many fantastic fics to read over Christmas that I'm sure you don't hate me too badly! A small note about the canon of this fic. Overly enthusiastic about the concept, I didn't really pay much attention to where it was supposed to happen in the TBBT timeline and honestly thought the Wil Wheaton episode happened early season 2. It did not, so please suspend disbelief and either pretend it did, or allow this to be an AU season 3. Or just enjoy the story and don't pay much attention to pesky things like timelines (which is what I eventually went with). For a brief while I toyed with the idea of making this a early season 3 revenge fic (because aspects of Continuum would be AMAZING thus), but then I realized it would go into FAR too serious territory for what I intended to be an amusingly fun time fic.

**Fun A/N: **Thank you Talitha Koum for reminding me that this Leonard is so much more fun than douche Leonard. This story is dedicated to you.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Caper Continuum**

_Chapter 2: Howard_

* * *

"Howard just tweeted that he's taking his mother away for the weekend!" Penny exclaimed happily as she stormed into Sheldon's bedroom after eleven on a Thursday.

"Penny!" Sheldon exclaimed, bolting up in bed and giving her an angry glare. "Oh, why bother? Make yourself at home."

"Don't mind if I do," Penny responded, ignoring what was obviously sarcasm and sitting on the edge of his bed. "Listen, I know we promised to schedule a planning session later this week, but it hit me last night that Howard's weakness is his height, and what we should do is hem all his pants half an inch shorter and then pretend like he got taller."

Sheldon gave her an intense stare. "That won't work."

"Enlighten me," Penny said, picking at her fingernails as she hid a smile. She didn't really mean it, but the more Sheldon talked the longer she'd be in his room.

"Shall I list the ways?" Sheldon asked. "First, it won't work because Howard will likely bring approximately thirty percent of his wardrobe with him for the trip. He did so when we went to San Francisco and explained it was so he was prepared to 'impress the ladies.' In order to successfully pull off your proposed prank, we would need access to all his pants. Secondly, Howard's greatest weakness is not his height. It's clowns. Leonard's is his height."

"Sooo," Penny trailed off. "We do something with clowns then?"

"Something with clowns?" Sheldon echoed indignantly. "I have a three page prospectus prepared detailing the exact steps one would have to take to successfully pull off a clown prank."

"And you expect me to read it?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"Is it at least in bullet points? How about a summary? Is there a summary?" she asked hopefully.

"If I add an executive summary will you read the prospectus in its entirety?"

"Nooooo," Penny responded, dragging the word out and giving him her best 'are you nuts' expression. "But if there's an executive summary I promise I'll read that. Otherwise I'll probably just use it to protect my table the next time I paint my toenails."

Sheldon looked horrified. She wasn't sure if it was the feet-on-table imagery or the idea she wasn't going to read his prospectus thingie, but he was giving her that look, the one that said he thought the entire human race was gonna fail and it was her fault.

"Just call me illiterate," she said cheerfully.

"Incongruous. For one, I am very aware that you can read. For another, it is also evident that you have the ability to speed read when it serves you. You finished rereading the entire Harry Potter series in less than a week to prepare for the release of The Deathly Hallows: Part One, and I have seen you memorize page-long soliloquies in less than an hour. There is nothing standing in the way of you finishing the prospectus in ten minutes or less, especially as I took your inferior education into account and wrote it at a level anyone who finished the SATs could comprehend."

"Fine," Penny said, clenching her jaw and refusing to be charmed by how much attention he seemed to pay her reading habits, conveniently ignoring the insult. She knew this was leading into a lecture about how to focus her attention on things that were boring to her, and how persevering through mind-numbing stuff would be good for her attention span. Or, you know, whatever boring lecture Sheldon could drudge up based on their current conversation. "I'll read the prospectus, no matter how boring it is."

Sheldon nodded as if to say 'quite right'.

Being in love with Sheldon Cooper was exhausting.

He was looking at her expectantly as the silence dragged on, and Penny stared at him observationally. He was adorable in his plaid pyjamas, of course, but he seemed surprisingly comfortable with her sitting on his bed, the two of them chatting away as if it wasn't strange at all for her to be here. Ok, when she said comfortable, she really meant he wasn't twitching as though she were dunking him in a vat full of influenza bacteria and then putting him under one of those air dryers in mall washrooms that apparently only spread bacteria all over freshly cleansed hands.

Not that Penny thought his problem with her being in his room had anything to do with germs. She had had her tongue in his mouth the other day and he hadn't seemed to mind at the time, or even afterwards.

Sheldon cleared his throat, eyes cutting towards the door, obviously expecting her to leave now.

"Here," Penny said, reaching out and tugging on the collar of his pyjama top. "I know you can't see it, but the collar is all curled up. If you slept like that, it might give you a crick in your neck."

There was absolutely nothing wrong with the collar of his pyjamas, but Penny was learning to take the moments she could. Sheldon nodded to her words like he agreed with her assessment, not even complaining when she knelt forward and ran her hands along the back of his neck, pretending to follow the line of his collar.

Lightly, she rested her hands on his shoulders and looked at him. He was giving her a frank appraisal, but made no move to remove her hands.

"Thank you Penny," he said finally. "I would like to go to sleep now."

"Ok," she said with a smile, pulling back. "I'll expect the prospectus by midnight tomorrow," she responded teasingly before slipping out of his bedroom.

x.x.x.x.

Sheldon Cooper wasn't considered a genius just for his physics, though she was sure most people didn't see how his high IQ lent itself to other aspects of his life. He was the Neal Caffrey of pranksters, all about the long-con rather than instant gratification. Penny actually considered herself very very fortunate that she kept pressing him into retaliating immediately during their own prank war, because the man could do evil and convoluted things when he had a plan.

In the three weeks since she had read the prospectus, she had only worn the clown costume twice. Once, she stared heavily at Howard through the window of the comic book store on a Wednesday until he noticed her, and the second time she was walking through the hallways of Caltech with a batch of balloons with his name on them.

Sheldon had done the rest through subliminal messaging and a crazy clown face video that was set to start five minutes after Howard clicked into his favourite pornography.

Her job, once again, was just to stand in the doorway of the cafeteria and stare at Howard behind the backs of Raj and Leonard. Sheldon would pretend she wasn't there and Howard would be reduced to a quivering mass of Jewish neurosis that even Dr. Beverly Hofstadter wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

That wasn't just because Howard was likely syphilitic.

"What the FRELL?" Howard screeched, looking right at her as he leapt from his seat. "WHY DO YOU KEEP FOLLOWING ME?"

Penny just had enough time to duck back through the doorway before the entire cafeteria, including Leonard and Raj, turned to stare at the doorway Howard was dramatically pointing to. She hazarded a look back inside, startled to find Howard moving towards her at a rapid gait for such a short guy.

She ran down the Caltech hallway, glad she had refused to wear any overly large clown shoes, and rounded a corner quickly, knocking into two scientists as she went. Pages went scattering everywhere, and she continued running, knowing she couldn't head back to her car in the parking lot if Howard was going to continue chasing her.

Penny ducked into a stairwell, allowing the stupid balloons to float upwards through the flights of stairs and towards the top floor of the building as she fan down a level and sprinted through another corridor, finding herself in familiar territory. This was definitely the area she had been in with Sheldon when they unsuccessfully pranked Kripke, which meant that...

Yes, this was undeniably the hallway to Dr. Cooper's tiny box of an office. She was now glad she had made him show her where it was whilst skulking around late at night. At the time she'd been hoping to trap him into making out against his desk, but considering he was edgy after coming back from Kripke's she had nixed that idea.

Strangely enough, his door was unlocked. She had asked him to leave it open while he and the boys were at lunch, just in case she needed it for this very reason, but she hadn't expected him to actually do it. He had given her a lecture about how he was one of the most preeminent minds on the planet, and how even though there were maybe twenty people in total who would understand his current work, it wasn't entirely impossible that it could be stolen by one of them and claimed as their own. The quest for a Nobel was very cut-throat after all.

Penny thought he was paranoid, but she also thought he had a point. She'd hate it if someone stole the screenplay she had painstakingly scripted and sold it as their own. So she really hadn't thought he would leave his door unlocked.

Sheldon was full of surprises.

She just had time to slide underneath his desk before she heard footsteps outside.

"My office?" Sheldon was saying. "I highly doubt the clown you contend you chased down this hallway is in my office. As you are aware, Wolowitz, from your failed attempt to use my office for what I believe the crass and popular term for is a nooner, I keep my office locked at all times."

Howard, or someone, wriggled the handle and found it locked. Penny was glad she had the foresight to lock it behind her. "The clown could have locked it behind him," Howard pointed out.

"The clown could have locked it behind him?" Sheldon repeated incredulously. "Occam's razor dictates that the hypothesis with the fewest new assumptions is the correct one, therefore it is more probable that my office was locked and remained locked all through lunch hour than somehow this man-stalking clown you claim you saw run down this hallway somehow found the key to my office, unlocked it, ducked into my office and locked the door behind him."

"It's not impossible," Howard muttered.

"I never said it was impossible," Sheldon snapped. "I simply claimed it was improbable."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Howard responded thoughtfully.

"Have you considered that you may be experiencing visual hallucinations? Would you like me to compare your symptoms with the DSM-IV? It would be a simple matter and may determine whether your psychosis are chemical related or psychodynamic."

"I'm not crazy!" Howard yelled.

"Have you ever been tested?" Sheldon asked. "I know for a fact that I am not crazy but you can make no such claim."

"Eugh!" Howard exclaimed, and even from beneath the desk she could hear the sound of his heels clomping against the floor. The office door opened, and Penny pressed herself farther under the desk, her back right against the pressed wood.

Sheldon sat down at his desk. "The gap between the floor and the bottom of the desk makes that an atrocious hiding spot, I hope you know."

"I know," Penny told him. "It's a good job you didn't let Howard in here." Man, of all the social inanities, this one took the cake. Ok, maybe not. She probably had said stupider things in the past, but this one just felt dumb even before it came out of her mouth.

It probably had something to do with the fact she just realized that she was under his desk, looking up at him seated in his chair. Her mind immediately went there, to THAT, and she gave him her best kittenish expression, leaning forward and curving her back so her face was tilted towards him and her ass was high in the air, firmly pressed against his desk.

So what if she was wearing a bright orange clown suit? It wasn't ideal, of course, and she wasn't showing any cleavage, but she didn't think Sheldon cared about her physical appearance all that much. He didn't seem to be the type of guy to get swayed by a Victoria's Secret push up bra and garter set, anyway, and she had never once caught him eying a woman's breasts. So the clown suit, while not doing her any favours, certainly wasn't detracting either.

"You know Sheldon, most men who have a woman under their desk during their lunch hour would either owe her a kiss and his gratitude or a wad of cash," she told him.

"You want money?" he asked, voice all high pitched as his eyes looked around the room, not landing on her.

Penny laughed. "God Sheldon, I'm not trying to extort money from you. I was actually hoping for the kiss."

"Penny, I don't understand the social constructs that dictate that I have to either kiss you or give you money in these circumstances." He removed his wallet from his pocket. "I would much rather pay you. How much do you need? Are you experiencing financial woes due to your uneven application of economic mores? Ideally, you should earn more than you spend." He wheezed like this was the greatest joke on the planet.

"God no, put your wallet away," Penny told him, putting one hand over her eye as she winced, both embarrassed and delightfully entertained. Then, she realized, she could use this to her advantage. He'd never know what hit him. Quickly, she pulled off the clown top, revealing her tank top beneath it. She couldn't do this looking like a Big Comfy Couch reject. "I was making a crass joke about the uh... sexually compromising position of a woman who found herself on her knees beneath a man's desk during his lunch hour." As she said this, she snaked her hands from under the desk and grasped his knees, using them to pull herself towards him, and if his chair slid a little closer to her, well it was on wheels, so not entirely her fault. Now she was kneeling between his legs, her hands deceptively strong as they held him in place. "I was implying that the man would either owe her a kiss because he wants to keep having coitus, or at least receiving blow jobs, or he would pay her because she's a hooker."

"Ah." Sheldon responded, all wittingly and coherent.

"So which is it going to be Doctor Cooper? A kiss?" Penny asked, her eyes twinkling with mirth and the heady feeling of flirting with Sheldon.

He ducked his head, an endearing moment of shyness as it seemed inevitable that she had tricked him into kissing her again. He leaned in deliberately, only part-way close enough to kiss her. Then, Sheldon Cooper plucked a ten dollar bill out of his wallet, his eyes meeting hers deliberately. She could read the challenge in his gaze and her breath caught in her throat and she licked her lips, mouth dry.

Quickly, he tucked the bill in her cleavage, his fingers not touching skin. "You're playing with forces beyond your ken, Penny," he told her, voice low and seductive.

Her jaw dropped.

"My lunch hour is over now," he informed her, turning his chair away and getting to his feet so he could stand in front of his white board. Penny simply stayed kneeling for a moment, gaping after him with her brain feeling like it was short circuiting.

It hit her rather suddenly and over the head that he hadn't needed to sit down so close to her, effectively hedging her in and almost encouraging the conversation they had just had.

Sheldon Cooper had game.

She kept the ten. After that, she kind of deserved the iced mocha vanilla smoothie she bought with her illicitly earned cash. A girl needed to cool down after realizing the guy she thought she'd have to trick and coerce into allowing her to seduce him was not only letting her do it, but also had a few tricks of his own.

x.x.x.x.

Leonard was still shocked.

It bothered Leonard at first. He wouldn't be human if it didn't niggle a little at the back of his mind that Sheldon and Penny were having sex. He'd called dibs on Penny, and for the first week that's all he could think of. He called dibs, Penny was his.

Then it hit him that obviously she wasn't. He'd gotten nowhere with her, and there was Sheldon, making "Penny Blossoms" with her every week. It took almost a month before he noticed that the anger boiling in the pit of his stomach was replaced by something else. Penny said something surprisingly astute about the plotline in Doctor Who and Sheldon had given her a small smile of approval.

Leonard realized he was relieved. He'd always worried about what would happen once he cultivated the epitomical lasting relationship with a woman and moved out of the apartment. The idea of leaving Sheldon alone always filled his stomach with dread, but the concept of never finding love made him feel worse. It was a paradox he hadn't expected to be resolved by Sheldon finding a woman. Another roommate who could put up with his crap was far more plausible, but even that seemed unlikely.

So hotdamn, Sheldon and Penny having sex was (almost) the best thing to have happened to him in years. He found himself grinning at Sheldon at odd times, wishing he could do the universal guy jab-and-wriggle-eyebrows-meaningfully gesture, but no, Sheldon Cooper was probably the last man in the world who would understand what was going on. He'd probably think Leonard was choking on something, and Leonard didn't want to get the Heimlich for his troubles.

So when he met Penny coming out of Sheldon's room on a Thursday night he gave her a wink that had her frowning at him and muttering "sorry Leonard, not interested."

Finally he couldn't take it anymore. Sex didn't seem to be making Sheldon any softer. If anything, he was even more frustrating than normal, and Leonard was a little frightened to realize that it might be because his perspective of Sheldon had skewed. For some reason he thought getting down and dirty would make Sheldon easier to deal with on a daily basis, but he still demanded the same rules be followed. After a particularly haranguing grievance about the standard of sanitation employed by the new lunch lady, Sheldon left the lunch table to go complain the woman in question, brandishing a sandwich with one leaf of romaine shredded in a square rather than strips.

"He's crazy," Raj noted, somewhat fondly, and ate his sandwich with gusto.

"Penny and Sheldon are having sex," Leonard blurted out, unable to keep it to himself anymore.

Howard choked on his Mountain Dew, sticky liquid spraying over the table in front of him and coating Raj with a thin layer of sugar.

"Dude, gross!" Raj exclaimed. "I'm eating here."

"I know," Leonard commiserated. "I thought so too at first."

"No no," Raj waved him off, completely unconcerned. "I'm not talking about that. It's kind of romantic. I've been waiting for them to hook up forever." Raj's attention narrowed in on Howard, who was just getting his lungs back in order without hacking. "No, what I'm talking about is that you just spit all over me. My sandwich is wet and tastes like limes now."

"There is no way. Penny and Sheldon. Not. No. It's not happening. Believe me, we'd... no. You're wrong," Howard blustered. "Sheldon wouldn't even know what to do, and Penny is a woman who knows what she likes, and believe me she isn't getting any. Women who are gettin'some have a glow around them and are more likely to laugh off come-ons from other men, but she elbowed me in the stomach last night for suggesting she come home with me. She's not gettin'some at all."

"Heh," Raj said. "I agree with Howard."

"You agree with Howard?" Leonard echoed in disbelief.

"Yeah dude," Raj shrugged. "I was a little thrown off by all gross spit landing on me, but when Sheldon and Penny have sex, we'll know."

"But they spend time alone together!" Leonard argued.

"So do Raj and I," Howard pointed out. "But we certainly aren't having sex. How could you even think that? You have a dirty mind."

HE had a dirty mind? Leonard wondered incredulously. Why couldn't anyone else see what was right in front of his face? Maybe it was because he was living in the same apartment as Sheldon and across the hallway from Penny. Closeness bred familiarity, and it was a little harder to hide torrid affairs from one's roommate/neighbour.

Leonard was just wondering what he'd have to do to prove it when Sheldon came up with a fresh sandwich. He waited until Sheldon sat down before he started to fish again, intent on proving it to Raj and Howard so they'd stop thinking he was crazy.

"So Sheldon, are you and Penny getting along?"

"When have Penny and I ever gotten along?"

"What are you talking about?" Raj questioned, shooting Leonard a suspicious glace. "You and Penny always get along. Sometimes it _is_ antagonistic, like Batman and Catwoman, but overall she's got your back."

"You think Penny is Catwoman?" Sheldon asked. "Her costume was terrible, though I suppose on my list of favourite Catwoman-s, she does come before Halle Berry."

Was Raj on his side or not? Leonard wasn't sure, but this was the perfect gateway to where the conversation needed to go. Now if he could just influence the direction of this conversation, maybe then they could move on from wondering ifs and he could start convincing Sheldon to stay with Penny forever. Leonard couldn't imagine Sheldon _realizing _he was in a relationship, or in love, or possibly even having sex. He imagined Sheldon to be like those girls in historical romance novels who got pregnant because they didn't recognise sex when they had it. Not that Leonard ever read anything like that. And if he had, it wasn't his fault. He'd been captivated by the cover. "What if we gave her an official costume? Where would she go then?"

"I'm judging the others on their acting merits as well a physical attractiveness in accordance to overall canonical law."

"Say, just for argument's sake, that Penny got a role as Catwoman in the upcoming Batman movie. Where would you place her?"

"I know where I'd place her. She'd be a good pussy."

"Say the word pussy in reference to Penny again, and I will stop lying to your mother about where we're going on Strip Club Sunday. That was vulgar even for you," Raj spoke.

"It was just a joke," Howard dismissed.

"Sheldon?" Leonard prompted, gritting his teeth at the fact that his singular goal to get Sheldon to agree he found Penny attractive was getting derailed.

"Penny's not going to be the new Catwoman. But allow me to suspend disbelief for a moment to circumvent what I'm sure will be three more minutes of tedious conversation where you attempt to convince me to play along with your puerile games. Assuming Penny can act, and taking Nolan's attention to detail into account, though how he could truly do that by hiring an unknown actress is anyone's guess, my list of favourite Catwoman would start with Julie Newmar, then Michelle Pfeiffer, Penny, Eartha Kitt... No wait."

"Penny wouldn't be the first?" Leonard probed.

"No," Sheldon denied, eye twitching.

Aha! Leonard crowed, but wasn't able to force the issue, what with Barry Kripke swaggering up like he had a rock in his shoe or something.

"Coopew."

Sheldon looked up at Kripke, momentary annoyance flitting over his face before his expression settled into a neutral expression.

"I wefuse to engage in a battle of wits, since I can't take advantage of the handicapped, but if ugly wewe a cwime you'd get a wife sentence."

Sheldon smirked.

"What is it Coopew?" Kripke asked. "Have another one of your oh so cwever wetowts."

"Retorts," Howard translated to Raj.

"Not this time," Sheldon said dismissively, turning away from Kripke without rising to the challenge.

"How about something to confess?" he waited a moment for Sheldon to answer. "Wisten Coopew, I know it was you who gwued $3000 worth of equipment to my desk. Once I pwove it, I'ww expect you to make wepawtitions."

"Repartitions," Howard whispered.

"You may as well fess up," Kripke finished.

Sheldon's smirk became more pronounced. "Hypothetically, if I did have something to confess it would be more likely I made out with a smokin' hot blond in your office than what you are accusing me of, whereas you have the appearance of someone who was weaned on a pickled cucumber and even Dr. Winkle would turn you down."

Kripke's mouth opened in shock. "What?" He shook his head, like shaking off a particularly annoying gnat. "Coopew, you've got such a big mouth you could suck an egg fwom a chicken."

"The hot blond seems to like it," Sheldon retorted, smirking back. "Oh snap."

YES! Leonard expressed internally. Yes, this actually happened. He didn't hallucinate Sheldon using Penny to one-up Kripke. And it had worked because now Kripke was skulking away with a scowl. Frantically, he looked around at the other three friends, trying desperately to make eye contact to verify the Sheldon + Penny love.

_Did you see that?_ He asked Raj, using his mind and emphasizing it with facial expressions.

_Holy Frak_, Raj's face said, eyebrows winging up as he turned to stare at Leonard. _Sheldon and Penny are having sex. In Kripke's office. That's kinky dude._

_I know,_ Leonard nodded, pointing his chin at Sheldon. _Look how smug he is._

_Can you guys believe Sheldon actually got a zing in on Kripke?_ Howard asked with an exaggerated look of disbelief. _He could have made it more believable, at least. Smoking hot blond? Yeah right._

_This is proof Sheldon and Penny are having sex,_ Leonard tried to explain.

_I know, I'm worried about him playing pranks again too,_ Howard said with a wrinkle of his nose.

_No, the making out was real,_ Raj attempted to convey with a significant raise of his eyebrows.

_AHHHHHHHHHH KILLER CLOWN!_ Howard's expression seemed to say. "What the FRELL!" Howard screeched. "WHY DO YOU KEEP FOLLOWING ME!" He pointed dramatically, and jumped up from his seat, running towards the door. By the time Leonard turned around, there definitely wasn't anything in the doorway.

"Is Howard seeing things?" he asked in confusion.

"I believe so," Sheldon answered unconcerned, finally eating his sandwich.

"SHELDON!" Howard wailed from the doorway. "It went into your office. Come quick or I'll break down your door with my robot!"

Sheldon sighed and pushed away his sandwich with a mournful glance. He followed Howard out of the cafeteria.

"I can't believe I was right. Penny and Sheldon are having sex!" Leonard exclaimed happily. At this point he just wanted to prove he was right.

"Where did you get that, dude?" Raj asked with confusion.

"We just had a conversation about it," Leonard snapped.

"We did not. When?" Raj demanded.

"Just now!" Leonard insisted. "We had a full conversation without words."

"Dude, a conversation without words. Can you hear yourself? I wasn't talking to you. I had gas."

x.x.x.x.

A week and three days later found Penny wearing the clown outfit for a third time for the purpose of staring at Howard from outside his bedroom window after he stumbled home drunk from a club. Sheldon sat next to her in her car, waiting for the cab to pull up.

"Look at me," she ordered him after he rambled on about acceptable snacks during a stake-out versus the need to urinate and/or sit still for hours.

When he complied, she leaned over and kissed him, her lips soft against his, lingering for the count of a few seconds before she pulled away.

She didn't say anything to explain, simply left him sitting there in confusion, trying to figure out her motives or attack plan. She had none.

* * *

A/N: I promise this is the last chapter that has heavy Leonard scenes, the rest will be far more S/P centric. I just couldn't get the hilarity of the scene out of my head. Especially the way Leonard has turned into a fanboy.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Caper Continuum**

_Chapter 3: Raj_

* * *

"Howard's not doing so well," Penny said casually. "He mentioned that he was back in therapy today. I think he's seeing the clown even when we aren't behind it."

"That was an unfortunate side effect," Sheldon said, pouring two mugs of tea from her kettle. "When one targets specific weaknesses, one must be prepared to bear the consequences."

"I agree," Penny said mildly. "That's why I think we should tell him it was a prank."

Sheldon recoiled. "But if we tell him it was a prank, we will have no recourse but to quit playing pranks altogether."

There was that, Penny though, battering down her guilt in the face of spending more time together with Sheldon. "What if we found a way to let him know it was a prank without implicating ourselves?"

"If you're getting cold feet I understand. I just expected you to have more fortitude considering this was your idea to begin with."

"Well I just thought it was going to be funny, you know? I didn't expect Howard to go crazy from it."

"Howard's always had underlying psychosis. If I have to predict one of them to snap and become a serial killer it would be Howard, then Leonard and then Raj."

Yeah, thinking of Howard going over the deep end wasn't helping since he was probably going to kill them once he realized what was going on. If he realized, Penny thought, her mind switching to Sheldon's side. It was just self preservation not to confess at this point.

Plus, Penny rarely reacted well when Sheldon issued dares. She always took them as personal attacks against her mental fortitude, and him saying he expected more from her practically put her back up and made her insist that if he could do it, so could she.

She could do it better. The only way to get Sheldon's attention was to out-smart, out-prank, out-do him in some way. Or at least keep up on his level. She had no hopes of doing it with science or most of his intellectual pursuits, but with this, well this was her arena.

"Ok, what's the plan for Raj then?"

"Insects. Ladybugs specifically."

"But... wouldn't he know that was you?" Penny asked, trying to remember the conversation Howard had tried to tell her between giggles, constantly being interrupted by Sheldon or Raj either correcting the order of events or inserting commentary. She hadn't understood half of Howard's babbling about bets and grasshoppers and Sheldon losing, but she could remember Sheldon had been the one who came up with the ladybug crack.

Maybe, probably. It did seem rather humourous for Sheldon Lee Cooper to say, but sometimes Sheldon was a funny guy. Not often, but sometimes, he was even funny on purpose.

"I wasn't the only one in the room, nor was I the one who would say 'ladybugs' and snicker for a week after."

Penny stared at him. Wow. She could see it a little better now, but Sheldon's endgame was still foggy to her. This prank on Raj was designed to cast suspicion on Howard, which in turn just might provoke Raj into retaliating.

If Raj retaliated, there was a chance Howard would attribute all the clown pranks to him, and problem solved.

Sheldon Cooper was a genius.

"Planting ladybugs, huh?" She mused. "His apartment?"

"Indeed. There are multiple points of attack which would create the appearance of an effective infestation. I believe, with liberally applied applications of live ladybugs in each room of his apartment, we could make it appear as though there are roughly five times the number than there are in actuality."

"So where are we going to do it?" she asked.

"Imagine this as the apartment," Sheldon said, outlining his imaginary whiteboard. "Strategically, I'd like you here, and here," Sheldon said, pointing to Raj's bedroom and bathroom. Approximately. Penny was getting better at visualizing the imaginary.

"The bedroom and the bathroom, my forte," Penny said flirtatiously, winking at Sheldon. She didn't know why she kept doing that, as he never seemed to get the fact she was being flirty. "What about the kitchen and the living room?"

"I'm on top of it," he claimed, his voice taking on that uneasy enunciation he got when trying slang on for size.

Both of them turned towards the doorway as Leonard burst in. "What are you guys up to?" he asked frantically, brow wrinkling in confusion as he took in Penny, Penny Blossom in hand and Sheldon posed with his hand in the air.

"Hello Leonard," they both said simultaneously.

"I'm thinking of expanding the line and Sheldon was showing me calculated projections," she lied easily. "I was just wondering how we'd set the apartment up to accommodate the different work stations I'd need to sew, dye, cut materials and all that if I opened a clothing line. According to Sheldon it could be done, but this apartment would be a 'veritable' sweatshop and I'd have to sleep on bundles of cloth. What do you think, Leonard, should I try for a clothing line?"

"Whatever you want," Leonard said in a distracted matter, and then his eyes landed on her, fully sincere and overwhelmingly intent. "Whatever you want Penny, any decisions you make, I'm behind you 100%. Remember that. I'm here for you no matter what. So if you ever need to talk..."

Oh crap, Leonard wanted to try dating again, Penny realized. She smiled uneasily. "Thanks Leonard, that's really sweet. But I'm kind of, uh, seeing someone."

"Are you?" Leonard asked, voice high.

Great, now he was going to go serial killer on them. Penny forced her mouth into a pleasant smile. She snapped Leonard. Now they were all going to die in a tragic love triangle murder-suicide, and she never even had sex with either of them. Was that going to be her one regret? That she didn't jump Sheldon Cooper?

Eh, she could live with that. As far as regrets went, at least she was now being honest with herself that she even wanted to jump Sheldon in the first place. Really, it was just a matter of time. The last time she kissed him, he'd kind of touched her willingly. It wasn't intimately, but she'd take willingly as a step forward any day. She'd get his pants off yet.

So long as Leonard didn't bring out any kind of death rays or shot-guns within the next few seconds.

"Penny's relationship status is no concern of yours, Leonard. I thought you had seen the error in your ways and gave up on your fool's errand of attempting to seduce Penny through benign chit chat."

Great, Sheldon was going to get them both killed. Didn't he realize Leonard had cracked?

To her surprise, Leonard simply grinned. "That's great!" he said with a foolish grin. "I mean, oh, too bad you're seeing someone Penny, but Sheldon's right. I'm sure it would take far more than _benign chit chat_ to seduce you." He then giggled and shut the door behind him.

"What the—" Penny asked.

"Where was I?" Sheldon mused, looking at his invisible whiteboard. "Ah yes, I was thinking the couch would be the perfect place for the focus of my attentions. It is central to the room, and the cushions are quite soft."

"But people sit on the couch," Penny yelped in horror, thinking of all those ladybugs crawling all over Raj's lap without him noticing.

Sheldon smirked at her. "Exactly."

"Ok, where are we going to get ladybugs?"

"There's a supplier in Santa Paula who sells 1,500 for seven dollars."

"Live ladybugs," Penny said with a rueful shake of her head. "Raj won't know what hits him.

x.x.x.x.x.

Leonard wasn't creeping. No. Creeping your friends was something you did on Facebook and Twitter, and to some extent Myspace, but not as many of his friends were on there anymore. Myspace had become dominated by the hipster scene, and as much as he loved it, it wasn't something Leonard could quite pull off.

So no, he wasn't creeping. All he was doing was hovering in the hallway, standing in the sweet acoustics spot that carried sounds from Penny's apartment, through the crack beneath the door, and allowed him to eavesdrop on his friends.

Only standing was a misnomer, since he needed to crouch quite low to the floor to be able to get the full effect.

_So where are we going to do it?_

Penny's question was the first thing Leonard heard after crouching. Wow, was he lucky or what?

_Imagine this as the apartment. Strategically, I'd like you here, and here._

His eyes widened. It was one thing for Penny to tease Sheldon, it was quite another to hear Sheldon tell her exactly where all this sex was going to be taking place. For some reason Leonard had seen Sheldon as being the submissive role in this relationship, doing what Penny told him to, but he should have known Sheldon wouldn't stand for that for long.

And heck, Penny wouldn't want him to. Penny struck Leonard as the type who would appreciate a man taking charge.

_The bedroom and the bathroom, my forte. What about the kitchen and the living room?_

There was a definite teasing lilt to Penny's voice now. Leonard could just imagine her leaning over Sheldon, her mouth pressed against the pulse point of his neck. Sheldon would be stiff as a board and looking uncomfortable – wait, no, Leonard decided, Sheldon would have his arm curled around her and would be in the process of pulling her shirt off.

And yeah, thinking about this stuff was weird.

_I'm on top—_ Sheldon said.

This was it!

Leonard sprang forward before Sheldon finished, slamming open Penny's door to catch them in the act before they really got it on. He was surprised and a little disappointed to find them sitting side by side on the couch, neither jumping in a guilty manner that would tell him they had been up to something other than what they appeared to be doing, which was making Penny Blossoms, not "Penny Blossoms."

Simultaneously they turned and said hello to him. Sadly, he couldn't count this as any kind of evidence they were in a relationship since they had always been weirdly in tandem.

He hadn't read the situation wrong! Leonard was sure he hadn't. They'd been planning their next rendezvous. Why weren't they kissing! Or at least touching!

What the frak? How could he be so wrong? No, he decided, he must have just jumped the gun by a few moments. They had probably only been in the heavy staring phase, because of course Sheldon needed to work up to the touching phase. Why hadn't he thought of that?

He barely even heard whatever words were coming out of Penny's mouth, his brain more concerned with the possibility he had been entirely wrong. But no, that was impossible. There was too much evidence stacked on the table firmly labelled Penny + Sheldon = having sex.

"Whatever you want, Penny," Leonard said automatically, and then realized this was the perfect opportunity to show his support of her decision to pick Sheldon over him.

He couldn't remember ever being so excited. He wanted to hug her when she claimed to be seeing someone, because the only person he'd noticed her spending any amount of time with was Sheldon. She didn't go out and stay out all night, preferring to spend her Saturday nights doing laundry and her weeknights on their couch. He actually couldn't remember the last time he'd seen a guy do the walk of shame out of her apartment. She practically admitted everything!

When Sheldon stuck up for her, it was all Leonard could do to contain his SQUEE of joy.

He was such a fanboy. There was no denying it now. He was turning into one of those teenage girls who swooned every time they saw pictures of those kids who played Edward and Bella. Or Bella and that ridiculously ripped Jacob.

Seriously, how many sit ups a day did he have to do to get those abs? Leonard did like 100 before bed three times a week (when he remembered) and he counted himself lucky if he didn't pull a muscle, let alone get some kind of eight pack that defined muscles the human body shouldn't even have!

And oh wow, they were so perfect together. Sheldon and Penny that was, though he secretly was a fan of Team Jacob. Leonard always cheered for the underdog. It had just taken him a while to realize that in this instance the underdog was Sheldon and not himself.

Penny made the right choice, the unexpected but absolutely perfect choice. The idea brought tears to his eyes and he effulged a little too hard about how great it was that they were together without ever letting on he _knew._

It took more than benign chit chat to seduce a woman like Penny. It took Doctor Sheldon Cooper. He couldn't help the grin, he was so happy seeing them together it was ridiculous and made him feel foolish. But look at them!

They were in love.

Leonard left with a manly chuckle. It sounded nothing like a giggle. Nothing at all. Something was definitely going on between those two! He was more and more sure of his own mind, but still needed proof.

It was even more evident when they immediately picked up the conversation when he left:

_Where was I? Ah yes, I was thinking the couch would be the perfect place for the focus of my attentions. It is central to the room, and the cushions are quite soft._

_But people sit on the couch!_

_Exactly._

Leonard could hear the evil in Sheldon's tone, even from the hallway, despite the fact he wasn't standing in the sweet spot, but was, instead, heading towards his own apartment.

Geez. He was sitting in the chair from now on.

But now he had to figure out how to prove Sheldon and Penny were having sex. No, not sex. Penny + Sheldon = making love.

Simply walking in on them wouldn't work. Penny was too quick for him, and he could see a long line of situations where she'd be able to explain away what was going on without batting an eye. _Oh Leonard, Sheldon just has something in his eye. Oh Leonard, Sheldon just has something in his pants. Oh Leonard, Sheldon was just checking to see if my breasts are the same size because my new dress fits strangely. Oh Leonard, this is totally embarrassing but Sheldon's fingers are longer than mine and I needed him to retrieve something for me._

What Leonard really needed, he decided, was a tape recorder. Then he'd have irrefutable proof.

x.x.x.x.x.

Leonard decided a tape recorder was a terrible idea. He wanted confirmation Penny and Sheldon were having sex. He didn't want to actually _hear_ them in action.

Gross.

x.x.x.x.x.

The ladybugs were delivered quicker than either Sheldon or Penny expected them, and suddenly they were left with a mason jar full of creepy crawly genteel bugs. They had their plan, but they were unprepared to implement it. Raj was supposed to present a speech based on his People's People under 30 award, kind of a retrospective, where are they now type deal, and he'd be out of the state next weekend, which was when the bugs were supposed to arrive.

"Well, what now?" Penny asked, staring at the jar of bugs Sheldon had set on her kitchen counter. "Will they last a week and a half?"

"Doubtful. Not without cannibalizing themselves."

Penny recoiled. "Do they do that?"

"I'd have to check," Sheldon said uneasily. "You'll have to keep them here in the meanwhile."

"Why?" Penny questioned shrilly.

"So Leonard won't find them."

"No," Penny said firmly. "Absolutely not. You wanted to use real ladybugs on Raj, you can keep them in your room."

"But Penny," Sheldon said, his voice in a sharp panic. "They're bugs. You know I don't like insects."

"Why do you think I like them? What if the bottle breaks?"

Sheldon moved away from the jar and drew his arms up to his chest uneasily. "Penny," he whined. "I can't have bugs in my room."

"Ok, ok," She said, not to agree with him but to calm him down. "It's ok, let me think ok? You might be able to come up with plans, but I'm the one who thinks outside of the box when your plans fail."

"I disagree," Sheldon snapped. "Who thought to string your underwear up from the telephone pole? "

"One thing doesn't make a pattern," she pointed out, forging ahead as he shot her one of his killing glares. "Anyway, I've got it. Tonight Raj and Howard usually go out trolling for women right?"

"Yes," Sheldon answered doubtfully. "It's their clubbing night."

"Great, so we'll just do it tonight."

x.x.x.x.x.

So there she was standing in Raj's apartment, pleasantly surprised it didn't smell like corn chips like so many bachelor apartments she'd been in over the years. Sheldon had stopped sulking about his plan being thrown off projection at some point during the drive over. Penny had dressed all in black for the occasion. Sheldon was in his usual vibrant colors, but she didn't say anything to complain, since it was highly unlikely they would do any skulking and it wasn't really worth the effort to force him to change.

As if she could. He was stubborn like that.

Sheldon kept a firm grasp on the jar of bugs all the way over, despite the fact she knew he didn't want to. She had asked him to when they first entered the car because she didn't want to take a corner sharply and find her vehicle infested with flying insects. It was a safety hazard, and after shivering in absolute terror – at the idea of being in a moving vehicle full of a ladybug swarm or at the idea of holding the jar for the entire drive, Penny wasn't sure – Sheldon had followed through.

The boy was impressing her left and right these days. He still hadn't given her a lecture about mouth bacteria, which she had been fully expecting to happen, if not after the first kiss, then definitely after the second. When it never came, she realized he wasn't giving her a lecture on purpose, because he actually wanted her to kiss him.

Either that or he thought the last one he gave her after she bit his foot illustrated his point on the subject and he didn't want to repeat it. Sheldon did hate repeating himself.

Penny was going for the first option.

They were standing in Raj's living room as Sheldon inspected the couch to figure out the best place to place an infestation. Penny was liking this idea less and less. How were they supposed to get the bugs out of the jar without getting any on them?

Why hadn't she thought to make these points when Sheldon was outlining the plan in the first place? It was her job to veto these things. She was supposedly the practical one.

"Hold on," Raj's voice came drifting down the hallway. "I know I said we could go to a club, but I forgot to wear my lucky underwear." There was a murmur of a response that Penny couldn't hear, and then Raj spoke again. "Dude, any underwear is lucky so long as it doesn't have a rip up the side like this pair." Someone, probably Howard, said something in return, and then Raj's key was scraping against the lock. "No! I will not tell the ladies it is a knife wound. That's gross."

Both Penny and Sheldon stilled, heads snapping to attention. Almost in a slow motion parody of each other, they glanced at the door simultaneous. Penny's eyes then started frantically darting around the small apartment, but Sheldon simply sighed in a resigned manner and sat on the couch.

"Hide," Penny hissed, fingers pulling at his shirt.

"Penny, I have found through experience that hiding is never effective. They always find you, and the fact that you hid only aspirates the situation. I don't believe Raj capable of giving me a swirly, even if he had the upper body strength to force my head into the toilet bowl, but I do not intend to find out."

All through this speech, Penny was only half listening. Her eyes darted towards Raj's bedroom, where he would need to go to change underwear. They couldn't hide there. Bathroom? Knowing Raj and his teensy bladder, he'd make a quick pit stop before heading out again.

Closet. Oh, that had potential.

In more ways than one.

Penny smirked at Sheldon before grabbing his arm and forcefully hauled him into Raj's coat closet. It was a tight squeeze for them both to fit in there, with Sheldon griping about her manhandling until she hissed at him to be quiet or Raj would hear. She just managed to slip into the closet next to Sheldon, her calves hitting against a wooden storage chest Raj had on the floor, when Raj entered his apartment. The closet door closed concurrently to the front opening.

The stupid glass jar of bugs was pressed against her stomach, right beneath her breasts. More promising was the fact that so were Sheldon's hands. For a second, as Raj walked by them on his way to his bedroom, Penny considered sinking just an inch lower and rubbing the underside of her chest against Sheldon's fingers, just to see what happened.

Of course, he'd probably drop the jar of bugs and then they'd be left in a closet swarmed with insects, and if that wasn't creepier than a clown, Penny didn't know what was.

Sheldon inhaled, and for a second she thought he was going to have a panic attack, but then she realized he was smelling her hair and shifting slightly closer to her.

Ohhh. Well then. If he wanted to, Penny thought with an internal grin.

"Put it down," Penny suggested.

"Why?" he question, body flinching as Penny ran a hand up his side, arm curling beneath his folded arms so she could touch his chest.

"So I can kiss you," she told him.

She could feel Sheldon's gaze, even though she couldn't really see anything in the depths of Raj's closet. Slowly, he moved, his torso shifting downwards, shoulder rubbing against her knee as he put the jar of bugs on the ground.

Success! Step 5 of her plan was definitely working out better than she thought it would.

Sheldon, in a move so suave it gave her a start, managed to stand straight and place his hands on her waist, fingers barely resting against the material of her shirt. Ok, so it wasn't that smooth of a move, but for Sheldon it was analogous with saying 'take me Penny, I'm ready to have my mouth ravished.'

Penny licked her lips and shifted closer to him, placing her hands on his cheeks so she could determine exactly where he was. Her mouth landed directly on his, and Penny stepped backwards and upwards, using the wooden chest in Raj's closet to her advantage. Suddenly she was leaning down to kiss Sheldon, and she used the change in angle to her advantage, running her hands through his hair and directing the angle of his head so she could deepen the kiss.

Wow, she was making out with Sheldon in Raj's coat closet.

Her tongue slid against his, sure and quick, but testing and teasing at the same time. When he didn't recoil, she let it leisurely curl in his mouth, coaxing him to respond.

Then Sheldon Cooper did the unexpected. He bit down lightly on her bottom lip, pulling back slightly and sucking her lip into his mouth for a fraction of a second. It was the tiniest nibble, really, but from Sheldon it was the sexiest thing he'd done yet, shooting a jolt through her and numbing her brain to everything but him. Then he kissed her, pushing back against her and pulling her towards him all at once. His hands slipped down her waist, long finger gripping against the curve of her rear as his tongue slid over the sensitive flesh on the roof of her mouth and she groaned against his lips.

She couldn't get enough of him, and he didn't seem to be against the idea of her trying. At all. In fact, no matter what denials emerged from his throat, his mouth was repeatedly saying something different when it was on hers.

That pulled her up short. He never had tried to turn her down or turn her away like she thought he would.

His mouth was always saying the same thing. Why hadn't she noticed that before?

"Sheldon," Penny breathed, the words muffled between their lips. She was taking quick nips from his mouth now, trying to catch her breath but unable to stop kissing him. Her breasts were pressed heavily against his chest, and she could feel his panting beneath her, the sensation creating subtle vibrations. Everything with Sheldon seemed heightened and Penny wasn't sure if it was because she loved him or if it was because it was still such a novel idea that he was participating in something as risky, slimy (if she was being honest, making out was kind of gross if he wasn't into it), and physical as kissing her in Raj's coat closet.

The wood of the box cracked beneath her feet. The sound deafening in the airless room, even above the sounds of their panting. Penny reacted, moving forward so that she was in Sheldon's arms for a moment before sliding down his body, her body rubbing against his deliciously.

Sheldon compensated for her weight by taking a step back.

Glass shattered.

"What the?" Raj questioned, hand on the door. He was literally inches away from their hiding place, and Penny was sure he was facing in their direction. She resisted the urge to cover Sheldon's mouth with her hand, to make sure he didn't say anything to give away their position. It would probably be just as prudent to cover her hand with her mouth, since she was breathing audibly from a combination of the kissing (which, worst fantastic idea ever) and anxiety they were about to be caught.

"RAAAAAAJ!" Howard called from the hallway. "HURRY UP. YOU'RE SLOWER THAN COLD MOLASSES!"

He sounded frighteningly like his mother.

"OKAY," Raj yelled back, and then muttered under his breath, "you old biddy."

Then he was gone and both Penny and Sheldon let out a mutual sigh of relief.

"Penny, I feel tingles."

"Me too," she said with a grin. He just used tingles to describe the post-kissing sensation. Adorable. "It's because you're a great kisser."

"Well, I won't deny that in the face of the overwhelming evidence. I do excel at everything I do, with the exception of vehicular driving, but I think the discomforting sensation is because ladybugs are crawling up my leg."

Penny shrieked and darted out of the closet, not even caring if Raj decided to return to change his socks or something. When Sheldon didn't emerge, she realized that he was far more freaked out than she was. Sheldon was the one who screamed at the sight of a spider, and now that light had filtered through the door of the closet, he was staring down at his leg in horror and revulsion.

"Penny," he begged in a choked voice.

There were totally ladybugs crawling up his leg. She wasn't sure if he could see them or not, but she could and it was a terrifying sight, almost like that scene in The Mummy with the scarabs and... yeah, she was freaking herself out a little bit, and he was relying on her to be the heroic bug killer.

Penny reached into the closet and dragged Sheldon out of it. "Take off your pants!" she barked, hands already rapidly removing his belt. It was testament to how petrified he was that he wasn't resisting her partially stripping him, especially considering his hands had just been groping her ass.

She didn't even sneak a peek, or at least much of one, before taking his pants and swiping the ladybugs off. Some were still in larval state and couldn't fly away, but many took flight, some clinging to her clothes but most diverging around the apartment. It was the larvae that were difficult to get off. The little buggers clung and were super ugly to boot.

She was just finishing up with his pants, turning them inside-out to check to make sure she got everything, when she realized she had pretty much accomplished her entire plan. Now it looked something like this:

Step 1: Get Sheldon to agree with her plan. (crossed out)

Step 2: Suggest a prank to play on Leonard/Raj/Howard/Kripke/Wheaton. (also crossed out)

Step 3: Sit close to Sheldon and plan plans. Argue a lot. Keep alone time going as long as possible. (definitely crossed out)

Step 4: Be sneaky. (when was she not?)

Step 5: Snog the pants off Sheldon Lee Cooper. Bonus points for being literal. (crossed out. HOW DID SHE MANAGE THIS?)

Though technically, getting Sheldon Lee Cooper's pants off had been a by-product of the snogging, not actually a direct result thereof. She was still counting it and implementing _Step 4: Be sneaky _as justification.

So she peeked. She couldn't help it. His legs were just as she remembered them, kind of scrawny, and at first glance she'd call them chicken-legs, but proportionately skinny and not like how some men with wide thighs had scrawny calves. Only, Sheldon had one of his legs up on a chair as he swiped at what were now imaginary bugs, and she might have been hallucinating, but it looked like he had some muscle definition because as he shifted there was definitely some flexing going on.

Must be all those stairs he climbed.

"Penny, why didn't you think to bring bug spray?"

She was too busy licking her lips to respond.

"Penny? Penny," he said impatiently. "_Penny."_

"Huh? Wha?" she asked, reluctantly dragging her attention to his face. "Oh, uh... why didn't you?"

"Must I think of everything?" he asked. "And could you stop ogling me? It's making me uncomfortable. I'm not the type of man you objectify."

"No?" she asked with a smirk. "Why not?"

"Why not?" he echoed incredulously. "I'm a scientist. A theoretical physicist. My IQ is 187. To quote you, it is my mind which is beautiful and I should be appreciated thusly."

"It's not just your mind, Sheldon," she told him, running her eyes down his body and grinning as he eeped. "I could give you a list. But I doubt that would help. Would it make you feel better if I took my pants off as well, and we can have a no-pants peep party?" She unbuttoned the top of her black jeans and shimmied until her bright pink underwear was showing and he was giving her a horrified, wide-eyed look of panic. Penny laughed and handed him his pants, turning around so he could put them back on because she might tease him, but she didn't want to entirely break him. "It's a shame I'm not allowed to objectify you. Your legs aren't bad Dr. Cooper, and I've got this huuuuge thing for your hands."

"I noticed."

"You noticed," she echoed in surprise, whipping her head around so rapidly she caught said hands buttoning his slacks. There was a small strip of pale skin exposed between where he had hiked up his shirts to accommodate his pants. She was almost too startled to notice. Almost.

"You've been getting distracted when I do complex manoeuvres whilst playing Halo, to the point where I automatically win. You pay keen attention to my movements rather than my words when I'm trying to demonstrate something using my imaginary whiteboard." He stepped up beside her, and brought his hand up to her ear. For a second she thought he was picking a bug off, but instead his fingers trailed above her skin, not quite touching her but mere millimetres away. They moved slowly down her jawline, and she could almost feel the ghost of his touch, but more importantly she could see his hands, traveling leisurely above her skin. As he did this, he spoke, his voice intent. "I know my hands arouse you because you make a sound of approval every time I touch you."

His fingers brushed against her lips, stroking this time. They parted involuntarily beneath his light teasing. Penny made a desperate sound in the back of her throat, not even meaning to – one that spoke of both approval and desperate need – and he smirked at her as he stepped away, his hypothesis proved.

"Jesus Sheldon," Penny whispered, licking her lip and imagining she could taste him on them.

He was going to be the death of her.

x.x.x.x.x.

A/N: Well, Continuum is officially half way over. This is the point I always feel the most insecure about, because I worry I screwed the pooch and instead of giving a slow wonderful built-up to the climactic scenes, I instead started too hot-n-heavy and there's nothing to anticipate anymore. I call this the mid-story neurosis (I just made that up). The next chapter is the penultimate one, and I will have a few announcements to make at the end of it (if I forget, you're totally allowed to ask) about bonus material.

Ok, so I just added that because penultimate is an awesome word. Go vocabulary.

But really. Bonus material. Anticipate it.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Caper Continuum**

_Chapter 4: Leonard_

* * *

Penny was staring. She wasn't shocked or taken off guard, and she wasn't exactly in any sort of awe with the person in front of her. In fact, the stare was very premeditated. She was acting, though simply widening her eyes and pretending like she was recognising someone for the first time didn't really flex her abilities beyond the every-day waitressing act. Most days Penny didn't care if her customers had a good day or not, but if her tips were any indication, they usually fell for the lie.

If she could fool them, she could certainly fool this guy.

"You're Wesley Crusher," she said in a breathy voice as if she was in awe of the man in front of her. The coffee she was pouring into his cup sloshed over the side of the rim in a calculated move that appeared accidental. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I was just thinkin' you looked familiar and then it kind of all hit me at once and I forgot where I was for a second." She pretended she was embarrassed. That wasn't as difficult as pretending she was impressed by Wil Wheaton's presence. She hadn't even met the guy for real, and he was already on her top-hated list. She wasn't sure if it was sweet or a little pathetic that she was adopting Sheldon's animosity and hatred towards the guy simply because she loved him.

The image of a young Sheldon travelling by bus, alone, to see his hero only to be disappointed was an image she couldn't get out of her head. What was worse was the underscore of pain she detected in the tale, and Penny was sure that wasn't the end of the story. Chances were, he had gotten in trouble for taking the trip, or had gotten into trouble while _on_ the trip. Penny wasn't sure which was worse, but she felt her empty hand curl into a hostile fist at the thought, hidden behind her skirt.

She smiled at Wil Wheaton, extra bright. "I'll clean this right up and get you another cup."

Once she returned, her emotions were back in order and her resolve to follow through with this opportunity was reinforced with steel. If she could just find a way to get into Wil's house, Sheldon might even forgive her for acting without a detailed plan she ran by him first. Really, though, he should expect impulsive recklessness from her on occasion, right?

So she batted her eyelashes through Wil inviting her to join him for a piece of cheesecake and explained to him that it was against Cheesecake Factory policy. She giggled when Wil invited her out for coffee after her shift, played hard-to-get, and eventually agreed.

There was a possibility Sheldon would misunderstand everything and see this as a huge betrayal against him, but Penny was fully intending to have Wil Wheaton eating out of the palm of her hand before she crushed him down like the insect he was. Sheldon's war had become her own, and she was much more suited towards understanding how to really obliterate all the hopes and dreams of a man.

x.x.x.x.x.

"Oh my gosh, I've been totally gettin' into Star Trek since the movie came out. I almost had a role as a extra on one of them space ships, and I started watchin' the show as research for the role, only no one told me there was like, more than one show. So there I was, auditionin' and all I had watched was Next Generation. I'm pretty sure they were all laughin' behind my back when I asked if Patrick Stewart was going to be the Captain. I mean, the man has barely aged! He could so totally do it." If there was one thing Penny did spectacularly, it was act like all she was was a dumb blond. Before she had met Sheldon and Leonard, being the blond was all she aspired to. Now, the idea of messing up TOS and TNG made her feel vaguely ill, but unsurprisingly, the role of being Penny the idiot was easy to slip into. What was surprising was the fact that she had to slip into it at all. If anyone had asked, she would have claimed it was who she was, but that wasn't the truth any more. The idea actually made her feel better about herself, as though she was actually getting somewhere even if her life sometimes felt like it was in a standstill.

"It's an easy mistake to make if you don't know any differently. Believe me, I've learned not to expect normal people to know anything about Trek, even though sometimes I feel like my whole life has been as a Trekkie. I was surprised that such a beautiful woman recognised me at all."

Penny giggled vacuously. "Wesley Crusher is such a cutie. I remember thinking crusher was such a fitting name since I totally have a crush on him. I'm sorry, I know he was just a role you played but I'm havin' a complete blond moment and this is totally embarrassing, but what's your name again?" She leaned forward, showing him her cleavage as an attempt to soften the blow.

It worked. He was so consumed by staring down her shirt that he didn't even notice any insult with her not knowing his real name. "Wil Wheaton."

"Of course!" Penny exclaimed, hitting her head with the palm of her hand. "Are you still workin' in the Industry, Wil?"

"Actually, I prefer Wil Wheaton, all one name. Like Madonna, Cher, Sarah Jessica Parker."

Penny was pretty sure Sarah Jessica Parker didn't go by all three names to people who knew her as someone besides the star of Sex and the City. Otherwise, how prima donna of Wil-Wheaton. She wasn't even going to feel bad about what she was about to do.

As she was thinking about this, Wil Wheaton continued to name drop, bragging to her about how involved in Hollywood he was. According to him, Joss Whedon and JJ Abrams were his homeboys, and he had a finger in multiple pies at the moment. He finished this with, "oh hey, I'm having a party next Friday. You should come. I'm sure there will be some VIP people there."

"Really?" Penny asked, pursing her lips thoughtfully, but really to draw attention to her mouth. She doubted the man was having any kind of party, but he saw this as a chance to impress the pretty, but incredibly shallow and stupid blond in front of him. A party was the perfect opportunity to break into his house without getting arrested, and there was a possibility Sheldon could get in and out unnoticed. Of course... "I don't know, I hear there's an epic masquerade party going on somewhere in Hollywood. One of those secret deals, and I was hoping to figure out where it was." She twirled her hair. "I just love masquerades, they're so romantic and you never know who you're going home with."

And, like a typical man, all the pieces tumbled into place in his mind and he fell into her trap, not even recognising it for what it was. He was overconfident in his own intelligence and the image she had presented him of the slutty blond waitress. It was almost insulting, really, except that it was also empowering.

"Oh yeah!" he exclaimed. "That's at my place!"

x.x.x.x.

"Dude, I might have to move! Stop worrying about your piddly clown problems for a minute here and be reasonable. My life is further in the shitter than yours."

"You have ladybugs! That's the most unthreatening infestation I've ever heard of. At least you're sleeping with a lot of ladies. Do you know what I'm sleeping with? A panic button to call my mother in case I have any more night terrors."

"Why don't you just crawl into bed with her and get it over with!" Raj yelled. "We all know that's where this is heading. You're going to get so scared that in the middle of the night you'll run screaming to your mommy, sobbing about the murderous clown in your window."

"Who says I haven't!" Howard yelled back hotly. "You think the fact I need therapy is insignificant? I'm telling you, my problems are so much worse than yours. _I'm being stalked by a clown that no one else can see!"_

"There were ladybugs in my underwear when I put them on this morning! That's more action than I've gotten in months, and I was so freaked out I ran out into the hallway trying to strip off my pants in front of the elderly woman across the hall. I couldn't even apologize after she yelled at me for public indecency because she's a woman."

Sheldon turned to Raj. "Did you know there are over 5,000 species of Coccinellids; they are generally used in farm green initiatives to feed on aphids, so perhaps the noble ladybug was in your underwear to control an infestation of other insects."

"I hadn't considered that," Raj answered in a high, worried tone.

Sheldon inclined his head as if to say 'you're welcome.' He was half-way finished a slice of Giacamo's sausage and mushroom (light olives) when Penny burst through the door. "Sheldon!" she exclaimed, panting from running up all three flights of stairs. "Penny Blossoms!" she gestured towards her apartment with her head.

Sheldon frowned at her, looking pointedly at his pizza.

Penny raised her eyebrows and gestured towards her apartment. Then she gave him a slow smile.

A light seemed to go on in Sheldon's head, and he got to his feet hastily. "It'll be worth it, I promise," she assured him as they exited apartment 4A, completely missing the stunned looks passed around.

x.x.x.x.

Sheldon Cooper was torturing her on purpose, Penny was sure. Ever since they had the conversation about how hot his hands made her, his movements had become more languid, his body shifted so she could see the fluid motions he was making, and even worse, so she'd have a front-seat view every time he did that obscene flick of his wrist that had her swallowing the need to jump him.

She tried to get him back by wearing low cut shirts, but he seemed obvious to the fact she was showing skin, let alone showing skin on purpose. She'd tried draping her legs over his lap, but he'd jumped up and dislodged them immediately, giving her a dissuasive glare.

So she just sat back and enjoyed the view, now that she knew she didn't have to hide it from him. The heat curling around her was entirely one sided, but she kind of enjoyed her ability to stare at him as much as she wanted, maybe breathe heavily every once and a while, and not have to worry about him noticing.

"Penny, are you even paying attention?" he asked.

"Sure," she said cheerfully, silently repeating the last thirty seconds of hand movements and jabs.

"How about what I was saying?" he questioned, emphasizing the last bit.

Yeah, she actually knew since she could totally multitask now that she didn't have to pretend nothing was going on with her. She knew he was showing her the layout of Wil Wheaton's house as he'd been able to discover from the internet, and kept pointing at a certain point, which happened to be the award room.

She shifted over so that she was seated right next to him, her thigh pressed against his. "Show me," she said, her voice unintentionally breathy in anticipation. She wondered if he could tell the difference between when she did it on purpose to tease him and when it was true. He might, but then he might not, depending on how closely he paid attention and how he categorized the other details, like the slight flush of her cheeks and the way she hooded her eyelids as she stared at him.

Whatever he saw, he brought his hand up to the air. "His award room is here. This is where we're aiming."

Penny slid her hand down his, resting her fingers lightly on top of his, and curling her hand to accommodate the way he was pointing. "You want to come in through the side door here," she said, moving his hand down to the exact spot he had indicated minutes ago. "But I think we should arrive here," she told him, moving his hand across the air.

"Do you mean to indicate the front door?" he asked.

"It's a masquerade," she told him. "It would look more suspicious if we went in a side door than it would entering from the front. No one will recognise us."

She had been slightly surprised when Sheldon took her flirtation with Wil Wheaton in stride, focusing more on developing a plan than the fact she had gone out for coffee with his mortal enemy. She didn't think he'd get jealous, not really, but she thought he'd be angry at the fact she hadn't run it by him first. Sheldon seemed to take it in the spirit it had been meant, easily seeing how it was an opportunity he might not have otherwise gotten.

She actually hadn't expected him to let it go so easily.

"We'd move through the living room," she told him, not telling him there would probably be people dancing and milling in the area. He'd still bulk at that, and she had a half-assed plan to force him into dancing with her. As she spoke, she dragged his hand through the air. "And then up the stairs."

"That would work," he told her. Both of them were leaning forward and he had to turn his head to speak to her.

"Yes," she said, flicking his hand through the air to change pages. Today his imaginary whiteboard was more like an imaginary touch screen computer. She counted in her head as she changed the pages, flipping through the dossier he had not-so-helpfully imagined for her. "I think we should do something with this one," she told him, hoping she had counted correctly.

"The Type II Phaser?"

"No," Penny shook her head and bit her lip, disappointed she had gotten it wrong. "I was looking for the acting award."

"Ah," he said, flipping back two pages.

"Sorry," she whispered.

"It's understandable," he told her, hand twitching from beneath hers. "You didn't create the file and can't visualize it like I can."

Penny turned to look at him, and he was still so close, his face just over her shoulder. His eyes were watching her intently. She took his words into account. He rarely made concessions for mistakes other people made.

"Sheldon, you never get distracted when working on your invisible whiteboard. Even when Leonard comes in and interrupts us." She said this as she turned closer to him. He sat back in his seat, his eyes still intent on hers. She didn't know for sure, but she thought her actions had the intended effect. She'd finally managed to get his interest on her specifically. She could now feel the energy simmering between them, and it made her breath quicken.

"I have an eidetic memory. I always know exactly where I left off."

"But you got distracted that time I interrupted you. You know, when Alicia first moved in," she reminded him, sliding onto his lap. Sheldon only looked momentarily concerned as she slid her arms over his shoulder, so Penny put that down as proof she had successfully ensnared him. She'd never straddled him before, and Sheldon wouldn't even let her put her legs over his an hour ago when they'd been sitting. This was a concession he wouldn't be making unless he wanted her on his lap.

"I was working on a very complex equation," he informed her primly.

"Really?" she asked bumping her nose against his. His hands were wandering up her thighs, fingers rubbing slightly at the skin beneath the edge of her shorts before venturing higher, spread against her Hello Kitty clad rear.

It was exactly where he left off the last time she kissed him, in Raj's closet. Penny didn't miss that attention to detail.

"No, it was no more complex than normal," he responded as her lips descended onto his neck. As she leaned in, his finger moved higher, over her back to support her. She wanted nothing more than to tell him she loved him again, but didn't think he was ready to hear it. Penny's mouth moved against his skin, less frantically than last time. She enjoyed the ability to leisurely kiss him, unworried about anyone interrupting them or Sheldon stopping her. She was sure if he wanted to, he would have already.

"Why do you persist in finding ways to attach your mouth to mine?" he asked, hand braced across her back and fingers splayed. She could feel the span of his touch across the nape of her neck and shivered delicately at the sensation. Penny moved slowly across his jaw, teasing the corner of his mouth with the slightest curl at the corner of her lips.

"It's addicting," she told him, mouth rasping against the slight sensation of a five o'clock shadow. A moment later her mouth was pressed against his and his hand was in her hair, cupping the back of her head.

"I promised my mother I wouldn't do drugs," he muttered against her mouth, but made no move to stop the kiss or back away. Instead, he pressed her closer to him, his other hand flexing at her hip before sliding across her butt. Penny made that sound of approval in her throat. It seemed to be his spot, and she was starting to realize that it just might be his weakness.

"You're not doing drugs," she promised. "You are the drug."

"I think it more likely that sensations you are experiencing are caused by dopamine, testosterone, and a number peptides, including oxytocin, all creating a heady sense of arousal. Technically still drugs, but caused by natural hormonal and neural reactions within your own body."

"It's you," she promised, drawing his hand up and pressing his open palm against her breast. "Believe me, I couldn't do this all by myself."

He shuddered delicately below her as his fingers flexed, growing bold as his curiosity was aroused.

"Oooh," she sighed. Yes, this had definitely been the best plan ever.

x.x.x.x.x.

"So I've got this friend," she told him, an indeterminable amount of time later, trying to surreptitiously readjust her bra as she rummaged through her fridge for something to eat. They had only stopped making out when Penny's stomach had growled audibly, or at least loud enough that even she could hear it, and he insisted she eat because it was distracting him.

"I don't see what your friend has to do with me or the task at hand," he responded, hands making quick work of the requisite two Penny Blossoms he needed to maintain the lie with Leonard.

"Yeah, I'm getting to that. She works in this second hand store downtown—"

"Oh no," Sheldon interrupted.

"Just hear me out, ok. She's constantly getting in shipments of old stock of unsold merchandise from stores. You know, the unusual sizes that don't fly off the shelves and stores have trouble selling. It's usually weird-ish stuff too, like strangely colored pants or whatever. I was wondering if you'd wear something like that to the masquerade so long as it was new with tags and she put it aside before it mingled with the other things in her store? It would save us a lot of money and a shopping trip."

"Never worn?" he verified, at least giving her the benefit of thinking about it rather than immediately rejecting her plan.

"New with tags, so there's proof it's never been worn. We can wash anything I find, and that means we won't have to go to the mall and go to multiple stores until we find something that would work."

"Are you sure I can't wear one of the multiple costumes in my closet? The Flash has a mask."

"No."

"Batman?"

Penny grinned. "No."

"How about The Green Lantern?"

"No DC verse!" Penny snapped. Whoa. Why did she know that? Her hotness quota was either rising or at an all time low. "No science fiction characters, no heroes. Would you go to ComicCon wearing street clothes? Well you can't go to this party without an appropriate costume, and none of those costumes are appropriate!"

"I don't see the purpose," he sulked.

"I'll get you a cape," she bribed with raised eyebrows. Oh yeah, that was happening now that the idea entered her mind. Sheldon would probably agree with it because it would be kind of superhero-y or Sheldor-y.

Penny wanted it because it would probably be super hot.

"I guess that will have to do," he agreed.

"Fantastic!" Penny said, trying to moderate her tone so she didn't seem too excited.

Now that talking him down from the ledge of crazy was finished, for the next minute at least, Penny was able to turn her attention back to finding something to eat. Her fridge was rather sparse, containing a jar of olives, a bottle of wine, limp celery, and a Tupperware container that she couldn't ever remember placing there, but it had been in her fridge for ages. Maybe it was there when she moved in? Anyway, she wasn't touching it in the interim as she had the distinct impression whatever was in it might have eaten away at the plastic and if she moved it the entire structure would collapse on itself.

It probably helped contribute directly to all those airborne mould thingamabobs. Speaking of... week old Thai food. Yum! That was still good, right? It certainly didn't smell bad and there visibly wasn't anything growing on it.

She grabbed the container and a fork, settling next to him on the couch.

"When did you have Thai?" he asked, probably feeling betrayed at the idea she had Thai a night other than his scheduled Thai night.

"Oh, you know," Penny responded noncommittally, taking a bite. Mmm. Tangy. "Thai night."

Sheldon's eyes bugged out of his head and he recoiled from her, a look of utter revulsion on his face.

Yeah, she'd expected that reaction _months_ ago. It was a little too late now for him to be flinching from the things she did with her mouth. Where was it the first time she kissed him? The second? The third? Oh geez, the _fourth_? That's right, no where! Apparently it took her eating week-old Thai food to draw it out of him.

"Thai night!" he echoed, voice all high pitched and stressed. "Do you know how quickly food becomes a breeding ground for bacterium? I shudder to think of the microscopic entities you are currently consuming." To back this claim up, he shuddered dramatically. "You'll make yourself sick."

Penny patted her stomach. "It's iron-clad, baby, I can eat anything."

"Don't come crying to me when blood spews from your digestive tract," he told her, getting up in a huff and stalking out the door.

Penny snickered to herself. That was the Sheldon Cooper she remembered, the one it was difficult to imagine getting his hand beneath her bra.

Which he totally did, not even fifteen minutes ago.

x.x.x.x.x.

He was having a fantastic week, first Penny dragged Sheldon away for sex right in front of everyone, and then he got to crow to a stunned Howard and Raj about how he told them it was happening. Howard had been rendered speechless for like half an hour. Raj, though, had regrouped quickly and gleefully ate Sheldon's pizza. Leonard had wanted more drama, but he'd take what he could get. Penny and Sheldon were spending even more time together, giving him nice hour-long stretches of time when he was alone in the apartment. It was wonderful!

Leonard shoved Thai in his mouth, excited that Howard and Raj weren't there because that meant he wouldn't need to share his spring rolls. His mouth was so consumed with oral bliss, that he barely noticed Penny enter, stare at the food on the table and then rush to the bathroom.

He did, however, notice when the sound of her retching filled the apartment. Sheldon sighed, his fork clattering on his plate as he dropped it and pushed the food away.

"Well, that's ruined," he said with a grimace.

Leonard kept chewing. He was eating those spring rolls! It was his right. If Penny had an upset stomach, that meant there was a good chance she wouldn't bully him into splitting them. He'd never had the entire order before. This was the best week ever!

She emerged from the bathroom a few moments later, Sheldon hovering in a concerned manner in front of his spot, as if he wasn't sure whether to move towards her or not. Leonard thought it was sweet until he opened his mouth.

"I told you so."

"Shut it, Sheldon!" Penny snapped, giving the food a wistful look of regret before heading to the door. "I'm not in the mood right now."

"Penny, if these symptoms persist over the next twelve hours, I insist you make a visit to the emergency room."

MMMM. Spring Rolls. Rolled little pieces of Spring.

Penny waved him off. "I'll be fine, Sheldon. We both know what's causing this," she told him, hand rubbing her lower stomach.

Holy Shit, Leonard realized as everything suddenly came together in his mind. He sat bolt up in his chair at the same time the door slammed behind Penny, his spring rolls rolling off his plate without him noticing.

Good God.

Holy Crap.

No, that didn't even cover it. .

Penny was pregnant.

Oh wow, _Penny was pregnant_.

**PENNY WAS PREGNANT!**

It took him about thirty seconds for his brain to even process that. Then he realized what it would mean. Penny and Sheldon would be together forever. Sheldon would have to propose, as he was nothing if not a gentleman. And admittedly an ass, but in this instance Sheldon was a gentleman, and would definitely propose to Penny and do the right thing. It was so bittersweet. It answered everything Leonard had been hoping for, but it made his stomach feel surprisingly hollow. The idea of Sheldon and Penny getting married because of a baby, because it was necessary, made the side of him who had the complete collection of Johanna Lindsey beneath his bed revolt. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Sheldon probably didn't even realize he was in love yet!

"Oh Sheldon," Leonard said sympathetically, his voice breaking. He swallowed, told himself not to cry and tried again. "Sheldon, I just wanted to say that no matter what's going on, you have my support. My blessing, as far as that has any meaning to you. If you need any advice on anything you can't ask Penny, I'm here for you, like a brother," Leonard said over-sentimentally. "Or like a best friend should be. So if you're looking for rings, or need someone to consult with as to whether you should ask her father, or whether you need to get down on one knee, I'm your man."

Sheldon stared at him quizzically. "Fascinating," he said, lip pulling back into a slight smile. "Why would I propose to Penny?"

"Because she's pregnant, you dolt!" Leonard yelled at him automatically. God, his hormones were fluctuating or something.

"Penny's not pregnant," Sheldon said with certainty.

Then, with horror, he realized he was probably right all along, Sheldon probably didn't even realize Penny getting pregnant was a possibility. He probably didn't even know they were having sex, Penny had probably tricked him into it by saying it was... meditation. Yeah, physical meditation.

Ok, that was possibly the stupidest thing he'd ever come up with, including the time he thought he could prove issues with muon decay using milk. In his defence, that had been a particularly realistic dream, but it had taken him far too long after waking up, showering, and driving to work to realize it was impossible. This, though, well... yeah. No defence.

"Sheldon," Leonard said definitively. "You and Penny are having sex. Penny has thrown up for the past two days. Ergo, Penny is pregnant, and the child is yours." Leonard's eyes welled up. "A baby, that's beautiful."

Sheldon, that bastard, just started to laugh. What kind of father would he be if he laughed like a crazy person? Leonard realized in horror. His child would fear him.

"First of all Leonard, Penny and I are not, nor have we ever, engaged in coitus. Second of all, Penny ate week-old Thai last night. I warned her it would cause digestive distress if not foodborne illness, but she waved off my counsel with platitudes about her iron stomach and is now paying the price." Sheldon shivered. "I don't understand why she would ignore the very real probability of spoilage bacterium infesting her food."

That was a relief, Leonard realized. Penny wasn't pregnant. He was jumping to conclusions. Wait, what? "What do you mean you and Penny aren't having sex?"

Sheldon got that odd smile on his face, the one he got right before he insulted someone on purpose or played one if his practical jokes. It made Leonard feel uneasy, like he might need to make a bathroom run of his own soon. "Unbeknownst to anyone Penny and I have resumed playing classic pranks, this time in tandem, which accounts for the time we spend together. I realized very early on that you seemed to believe the two of us were engaging in some sort of relationship, so I devised a set of steps to encourage you to believe so. However, you seemed to get over the denial phase more quickly than I projected and I had to escalate the plan multiple times."

Leonard gaped at him. "You're joking."

"That's the general idea behind a prank, Leonard, but I believe you're referring to what I just told you, correct?" When Leonard didn't answer, Sheldon continued with a nod. "I'm telling the truth. You know I cannot lie. Penny and I aren't in a relationship. We are not engaged in coitus. It was all an elaborate rouse. I can give you a detailed list if you wish." He said all this without a single facial tic.

Leonard couldn't help but nod, though he didn't want a detailed list at all. He was still somewhere back with 'you know I cannot lie.' How could Sheldon fool him if he couldn't lie? It didn't make sense, dammit! Sheldon and Penny were sooo in a relationship. They couldn't fool him with all those soft looks they had between them, could they? "How about you just hit the high points," Leonard croaked, suddenly not wanting to hear that every time Sheldon had smiled at Penny had been calculated so that Leonard would believe they were in a relationship.

"I led you to believe Penny and I were engaged in more than making Penny Blossoms. I started mentioning her in conversation more, and then I stopped altogether. At the same time, I left a receipt for prophylactics in the household account and removed eight from the box. I made sure you only heard pertinent parts of conversation when Penny and I were speaking, so you would draw conclusions. I'm surprised you were so willing to fall for such simple incitation on my part."

Yeah, Leonard sulked. He was surprised he fell for it too. Why had he been so eager to see Sheldon and Penny having sex? "Please tell me you're joking. Bazinga right?"

"Leonard, by now you should be familiar with my Bazingas. I know experimental physicists aren't familiar with the process of thinking for themselves, but please, this is no time for a Bazinga. I wasn't even able to implement the second phase of my plan before you almost started to _wail like an overly sentimental child_, forcing me into coming clean. This is failure on both sides." He glared.

"Second phase?" Leonard squeaked.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I know your inferior mind needs time to adjust to the new information you just received. I'll go check to make sure Penny is not vomiting blood."

x.x.x.x.x.

A/N: As promised, I do have a few announcements. The next chapter is the last one, and I've got some bonus material. Expect it on Jan 26th or 27th!

1. As you know, the scary-talented Talitha Koum really helped me figure out the Wil Wheaton prank beyond the vague idea I had for the scene. Unfortunately for her, she couldn't get it out of her mind afterwards, so as I was writing the scene, she drew a fantastic, amazing, awe-inspiring image. She kindly sat on it for over a month so it would be released at the same time as Chapter 5. She eternally has my 3 for this (and once you see it next week, she'll have yours too).

2. I've been working on a bonus sex scene that I hope to release at the same time as Chapter 5. If I finish it on time. It's been making me hit my head against the wall, but I hope you'll enjoy it.

3. In early February, I'll be posting the first chapter of my new story _Apocalypse Week_. I feel like I'm learning more about the characters and this wonderful fandom with every chapter I post and each review/message I receive. So thank you for being awesome. You guys haven't seen the last of me XD


	5. Chapter 5

**The Caper Continuum**

_Chapter 5: Wil Wheaton_

* * *

"Think of this as a dress rehearsal for tomorrow night," she told him, attempting to placate his nerves as he stared at himself in the mirror with his face distorted by a grimace. Her own costume was still sitting in her sewing machine at home. She'd found this amazing dress for 75% off because someone had busted the zipper, something easily fixed by someone who had the know-how and the time to mend a huge rent in the material along the seam.

Time was iffy because she'd spent the last three days working on the item draped over her arm, but Penny certainly had the know-how.

"This is ridiculous," Sheldon whined, tugging on his black vest. His shoulders were curled over as he hunched his back uncomfortably. He had his elbows drawn up in his usual preying-mantis pose and he was pouting, brow wrinkled anxiously. "I can't wear this, Penny! I won't have full mobility of my left arm and I..." he broke off, mumbling quietly as he turned to look at himself in the mirror.

"What was that?" she asked sympathetically. He really wasn't pulling the look off. In theory, the long black lines of his costume should emphasize his attractiveness, and the moment he had stepped out of the dressing room she had seen it in the snap of the curtain and his impatience, but now that he was being himself, she could see that the lorthario look wasn't something he could pull off. "I'm sorry Sheldon," Penny said tightly, really meaning it. "You refused to wear anything used, and these are the only new pieces Jennifer has that will fit you and are appropriate for the party."

"Penny!" Sheldon said, tone high pitched and stressed as he pulled at the material over his ass. "These pants are made of polyurethane."

Polyurethane? Pleather. Same difference.

"It's not really pleather, it's more denim coated in... well, probably polyurething." Damn, he was right again. How did this man know more about fashion than she did, sometimes, and yet still dress like a third-grader? His opinion on the beret was awe-inspiring. "We'd have had to get you into pleather pants using baby powder and Vaseline. This looks a lot like the real deal and it doesn't chafe or cause you to sweat as much." Sheldon looked like that wasn't a comfort. She didn't blame him. Awkwardly, she patted his shoulder, trying to school her expression away from a wince. She also tried, and failed, not to look at his butt. "I'm sorry. We can abandon the plan and come up with something else."

"Abandon the plan!" Sheldon yelped. "No, no, no Penny. That isn't possible. Wil Wheaton is well known in certain circles for his parties and the fact that an invite just landed in my lap is proof that now is the perfect time to strike. He will be incapacitated by liquor and his own petard. There is no other plan."

Yeah, landed in his lap. It was more like she'd practically and purposely landed in Wil Wheaton's lap to get those invites.

"Ok then, there's one final part of the costume," she told him, drawing out the long black cloak meant to be worn over his left shoulder. She'd taken care in selecting the material and sewing it herself, so it would fit him exactly. She was really proud of it, but she could see now that he wouldn't be in the mood to wear it. His face scrunched up as though he was in physical pain before she even attached it beneath his right arm. "Just... think of yourself as Aragorn or Frodo or someone from the Lord of the Rings."

"They don't have stupid side cloaks that make them look like a second rate magician!" Sheldon recoiled, the sentence coming out in all one stream of breath so that it took her a moment to decipher the words.

"Yeah," she said, trying not to be insulted. "That does suck."

x.x.x.x.x

The party was in full swing when they arrived. The moment they pulled up in Penny's car and bypassed the house, Sheldon stopped fidgeting in his outfit, his expression turning from discomfort to that intensely focused look he usually had when watching Star Trek or working on physics. He went still and contemplative, utterly confident now that he was in his intellectual element. Seeing the change in his demeanour happen right before her eyes, even though it had happened a few times now, always managed to take her breath away and put her heart in her throat.

Sheldon had definite untapped potential. She loved him in his whackadoodle glory, loved everything about him, even the bad, but she also loved when he showed her sides of him that she didn't even know existed and that he probably didn't even know about himself. Sheldon was nothing if not multifaceted, and sometimes she wanted to see how far his genius went.

She had a feeling he could do anything he wanted to once he put his mind to it. The only thing stopping him was his own sense of self – don't get her wrong, she didn't want to change a thing about him, but she kind of wanted to be part of encouraging him to grow as a person. She wanted to show him the world.

She had a feeling he'd be teaching her so much more.

"We'll find a place to park," she told him as they drove by Wil Wheaton's house. Every single light was blazing and a number of people were milling around the front yard. The house was surprisingly modest, something Penny expected to see in any suburb of any American city. She had expected more from a former child celebrity turned nerd C-lister, but she wasn't sure why. The guy lived in Burbank for crying out loud!

Sheldon nodded, but his eyes were sharp with anticipation and the underlying abhorrence he had towards Wil Wheaton. It was thrilling to see him like this, all razor-edged and vengeful and willing to do anything for retribution. She reached over and put her hand over his thigh, giving the muscle a quick squeeze without really thinking about the contact, especially since he didn't seem bothered by it at all. It was like it didn't even register in his mind.

Penny wasn't sure if that was progress or not.

They ended up parking a few blocks away. Uncharitably, Penny wondered how someone as uninfluential Wil Wheaton could organize a party that so many people showed up to. Especially, one that went so against the grain of his normal milieu. As far as she could tell, there wasn't a single Trek costume in sight. There were no Vulcan ears or Romulan foreheads, no visors or yellow, red or blue uniforms.

Penny was sure Wil Wheaton (one name) was doing this to impress her. Either that or he really had a hard-on for masquerade parties, but considering how mainstream Hollywood those were, Penny was sure it was to impress a woman, and considering the timing it was probably her. Well, not exactly her, but a version of Penny who was so much of a wannabe that even Wil Wheaton's fame looked good, and since Wil Wheaton was pretty much a burnt out star, that was saying something.

"What's a burnt out star called?" Penny asked Sheldon as they walked to the party. He kept getting caught up in his cape, refusing to use any of the rapid and theatrical movements she had tried to teach him. Instead, he kept gingerly picking it up with the very tips of his fingers and trying to drop it aside. It was completely ridiculous and she wanted to laugh at him, but knew he'd probably never forgive her, especially since she had forced him to wear it.

"A white dwarf. The concept of a star which is entirely 'burnt out', which I believe you're looking for, is a black dwarf, but it is hypothetical since it would take longer for a white dwarf to entirely burn out than the current age of the universe."

"Heh, the universe has an actual age? That seems difficult to wrap your mind around."

"Yes, the Big Bang happened approximately 13.75 billion years ago, but it is an uncertain range based on the idea that the universe cannot be older than its contents. It is all very scientific and rational. Everything has an age, Penny. I'm reluctant to say I entirely agree with your assessment, but there is something unfathomable about time and space. Theoretical physics is the pursuit of solving those mysteries and putting an explanation to something currently unknown. I chose it for that very reason."

Wow, that was something. They just had a conversation about science that had him kind of agreeing with something she said and also explaining his job so that it sounded both interesting and really cool. This was a noteworthy moment.

Plus? White dwarf was kind of the perfect insult for Wil Wheaton if she ever heard one. He was one of the whitest people she'd ever seen and he was pretty short. Not Howard short, but then who was?

She wasn't sure Sheldon would get the insult.

"Ok," she stopped him just as they reached the walkway up to Wheaton's house. "Costume check. Make sure everything is in place."

She eyed him critically, checking to make sure his white mask was still affixed properly over the top half of his face. Her eyes continued lower, making sure his black shirt hadn't bunched up beneath the vest. Sheldon probably wouldn't notice such things, but it would ruin the entire silhouette of his costume. He looked as lean as a whip, but about as dangerous as a bolo tie.

At some point he had folded up his sleeves so that his forearms were visible. It was so typical of him that she smiled.

Her own costume was the opposite of his, at least color-wise. Her mask was rendered to mimic angel wings and her dress was pure white, almost indecently short in the front with a fluttery long skirt in the back. Her hands ran over her face first and then her dress to make sure everything was in order. Sheldon's eyes followed her touch, his mouth skewed into an unhappy pout.

"Cheer up Sheldor," Penny said, a smile in her voice. She wasn't able to resist calling him that when he was wearing a cape, nay a cloak. All he needed was some gauntlets, a hood and maybe a few weapons and he would be pretty much be his online warrior. "Ignore the clothes, you're about to get one over on Wil Wheaton. This is the man who tricked you into losing at that card game, and the bastard did it by using his meemaw as a scapegoat. He pretended she was dead! It doesn't get more fiendish than that!"

"You're right, Penny," Sheldon said, snapping to attention, his eyes regaining some of that fire she'd seen in the car. His eyes narrowed on the entrance way behind her, and she could see him begin to focus with resolute intensity. He moved around her as though drawn by preternatural forces and Penny trailed along behind him with a bemused grin on her face.

They entered the house to find the first floor packed wall to wall with people dancing to a Ke$ha song. Most of the costumes were far more elaborate than theirs, but Sheldon was looking fine in his minimal black. He paused in the entryway, and Penny almost expected him to turn and flee or comment on how it was a fire hazard to have so many people in one room, but instead he squared his shoulders and raised his head in his 'you're all simpletons' pose, his arms crossed across his chest.

Penny licked her lips, her eyes drifting over his ass in those pleather pants. She was tempted to dig her phone out of her corset just for a picture. She'd always thought his ass was entirely flat but the tight jeans brought out the subtle curve of so that she was tempted kneel down and take a bite out of it. She was biting her lip as she came up to stand beside him, watching him as his eyes scanned the crowd. She didn't know what he was searching for, but his eyes were in constant motion across the expanse of the room, even as she placed a hand on his arm, unable to stop herself from touching him.

His eyes narrowed on something and suddenly he was in motion, snapping his cape back in an impatient gesture and striding forward into the crowd with a single-minded focus. Penny watched him for a moment, and she wasn't the only one. He cut a fine figure as he moved through the dancers, approaching it not unlike a warrior going into battle.

She actually whimpered a bit when he pivoted, narrowing avoiding a drunk chick who tried to grab him, the cloak drifting around his long legs.

Penny hadn't expected him to be able to move through a crowd so effortlessly, had imagined elbows and awkward jerky motions as he tried to avoid touching people, but the reality was much more like a dance. She stood there watching him, unable to breath. She was in love with Sheldon, but the heat crawling along her skin from just observing him as he walked was a new sensation. Usually it happened when she watched his hands, but never to this extent. Even without the love part of the equation, she'd want him in this moment more than she'd ever wanted anyone. She felt like someone had hit her over the head with a tire iron and pointed out that this man was everything and more.

Thrum, thrum, thrum the bass echoed through her body, her heart rate accelerating along with beat. His sure movements were navigating him further and further away from her, almost out of sight, and she couldn't seem to be able to move, she was so shocked.

Penny shook her head, muttering his name under her breath with a grin and hurried after him.

The moment he stopped thinking about what he was wearing, Sheldon Cooper had become a hot piece of mancake in a pair of fake leather pants. It seemed so ridiculous, but she couldn't deny what was right in front of her face. She, Penny, was actually objectifying Dr. Cooper, and she couldn't even feel guilty about it because he had just sauntered through a room full of other women who were doing the same. One of them even attempted to stop him and was left staring in surprise as he slipped around her with complete disinterest with a snap of his cloak.

This feeling she had watching him: pride, mingled with possession, and wrapped together with bemused affection. It was a completely foreign sensation for Penny.

He entered a corridor off the side of the room he just crossed, and his destination became clear to her. She walked behind him, navigating large dancing crowds nothing new to her despite her terrifyingly high heels.

This area of the house was less crowded, but they were still surrounded by people. He paused in a corridor and her fingers drifted to tangle with his as he paused to get his bearings. Finally, Sheldon seemed to know where he was going as he continued walking, his stride quick and his hand tugging at hers. Penny trailed after him as he left the first floor, long legs flexing on the stairs. Penny gave a wolfish grin and followed, her eyes affixed to his rear end.

She was well aware of how they looked, though Sheldon seemed oblivious as he led her away from the crowd and up to the sanctity of the bedrooms. Even though she knew what the plan was, her heart started to beat rapidly and she tightened her grasp on his hand. She wasn't sure why he was still holding on to her, as there was no way she could get lost now, but his hand was dry against hers, his long, strong fingers making her feel delicate.

Penny felt as though she were on drugs. Everything he did simply heightened the sensation, and she was entirely bemused by this man who was Sheldon Cooper but wasn't.

He finally stopped in front of a large inordinate set of woodened doors carved to resemble the entrance leading to the mines of Moria from the Lord of the Rings. She wouldn't have known that if Sheldon hadn't read her one of Wheaton's blog posts where he bragged about his new Moria doors and then mentioned everything he had protected behind the seal.

Sheldon shook his head and clicked his tongue. "I would have thought that Wheaton was enough of a purist to have at least design this door as a challenge to enter. At least he has the original _ithildin_ correct. _Ennyn Durin Aran Moria: pedo mellon a minno,_ which roughly translates into The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria: speak, friend, and enter."

"Roughly translates from what?" Penny asked, but she already knew the answer. She really shouldn't be impressed by the easy way the foreign language fell from his lips. She had no way of knowing he had actually pronounced it right, but knowing Sheldon, he had.

"Sindarin using Tengwar characters. Easy answer – Elvish," he informed her primly. "I can assure you, the original Doors of Durin had no door knob to allow easy access to Khazad-dum, nor was there a handy lock to gain entrance." Sheldon turned and smirked at her. "Though that certainly makes it easier for us," he informed her, digging a small pouch out of his pocket.

He needlessly pushed at his sleeves, already folded up to his elbows, and his fingers dug into the pouch and extracted a thin needle-like object, deftly twirling it into position as he withdrew a second pick with his other hand and passed her the container they came in.

Penny couldn't breathe. The air stood still for a moment, and words like temporal flux were the farthest thing from her mind. Instead, once her brain rebooted, all she could think was 'guh'.

"Lock picking?" Penny asked in a reverent whisper. "Can you get any hotter right now?"

Sheldon paused. "These pants are rather uncomfortable, but I believe my core temperature could elevate if I were to spend any amount of time in the room with all the dancing people."

Penny closed her eyes, resisting the urge to knock the lock picks from his hand and press him against the stupidly carved doors and force him to kiss her. Then she realized she had her eyes closed while he was next to her picking a goddamn lock. How did he even know how to do that? She wondered, eyes flying open and her gaze intensely concentrated on his fingers.

He fiddled with the lock, one hand holding the top tool in place as his other hand swept around in a motion like one would use to open a lock with a key. The muscles in his arm flexed at the movement and Penny exhaled raggedly.

"Is spontaneous human combustion possible?" she asked him.

"Hokum," he answered succinctly, tongue restrained between his teeth as he concentrated.

Oh crap, Penny realized, she'd probably be the first person to ignite out of sexual frustration and Sheldon would be too obtuse to even understand why when he wrote a scientific paper on her death.

This was taking forever, Penny mentally whimpered. How long was he going to unwittingly torture her before getting the door open? Her self-restraint was seriously getting chipped away with every second he worked in miniscule detail to tumble the lock. Semi-hysterically she remembered thinking that Sheldon was about as dangerous as a bolo tie, but it seemed like that tie was strangling her. He was definitely dangerous. Penny was sure now more than ever that if he wanted to he could rule the world. She had seen him as a super villain before, but now she was seeing him as a high end thief and it was a million times better, if not exactly the best thing for her sanity right now.

She was thinking about wrapping his half-cloak around her arm like the ropes she had used to corral young bulls in her Junior Rodeo prime and tugging him off balance and into her. She knew just how to keep a man in place, too, once she had him in her grasp. Not even Sheldon would be able to resist, especially since he hadn't had much success in denying her up to this point. The idea was gaining more momentum in her mind, and her hand was reaching for his cloak unbiddenly, when the lock clicked open and Sheldon swept them both into the room.

The door closed behind them with a press of Sheldon's foot and suddenly they were alone. The room was already lit with numerous lights built into the various display cases. Penny wondered if Sheldon would be able to resist the collector items exhibited around the room now that he had gained entry. She was sure some of them were worth a mint to Trekkies and other collectors, and she didn't mean entirely monetary either.

His eyes immediately went towards the center of the room where the award they were looking for was on center display, no glass case detracting it from the eye. Slowly, Sheldon smiled and then laughed outright, low and delighted at his own genius. "Wil Wheaton, revenge is mine!" he cackled, his hands spread in the air to celebrate his success.

Penny grinned at him foolishly.

"You're up, Penny," he told her.

"What?" she asked, too caught up in Sheldon to really understand what he was telling her.

"We agreed that you'd be in charge of the plan at this point. Don't tell me you forgot." He responded, tone turning accusatory.

"Calm down," Penny chided. "I've got this covered." Then she looked at him, surprisingly embarrassed by what she was about to do. "Could you turn around or close your eyes."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because I asked you to!" Penny sniped back sharply. "I'm sorry. Just... deniability, yeah? If asked you can say you didn't see anything happen to the award and you wouldn't have to lie." Penny was definitely getting better at misdirecting him. She didn't want to say outright 'lying' because it was the truth on one level, but the idea that she was handling him in such a way made her feel a pang of guilt.

"Okidokie," Sheldon said, turning his back.

Oh, cute. She loved it when he said things like okidokie. He had such a vast vocabulary that the folksy things always got to her.

"Truthfully," she told him, her mind deciding to come clean with him as she pulled an object from her clutch. "What I'm doing is a little embarrassing and I was trying to spare myself from having you watch." She finished taking the award off the pedestal, placing it on one of the shelves lining the room. Their purpose wasn't to steal anything, just to play a prank. Quickly, Penny replaced the award with the object she brought to put on display in its place. "Ok, I'm done."

Sheldon turned around, his eyebrows rising sharply on his forehead. "Penny!" he yelped. "That's obscene!"

"Yeah," she grinned. "I know. But think about it. Wil Wheaton's a little prick. That's a little prick," she gestured. "Wil Wheaton's a dick. That's a dick."

"I see your point," Sheldon said through gritted teeth.

"Sheldon, seriously, this is a great prank. It's really emasculating too. He has his award displayed because it is his pride and joy. The idea that it is linked to his own personal measure of his masculinity isn't completely out of the realm of possibility. It's kind of what guys do. So replacing his pride and joy with an itty bitty widdle penis is a huge slap on the face."

"Psychology," Sheldon tsked with a thoughtful expression that belied his hatred for the discipline. "That is a very tiny penis. It's about a third of the size of what I'm used to. He should be ashamed."

"Wha?" she asked in shock.

He looked entirely unconcerned at what he had hinted at, but unimpressed with her way of expressing herself. "What?" he echoed, emphasizing the correct pronunciation.

Even Penny's poor math skills knew what three times the size of the little three inch plastic ornament equalled. "You have to know what you're saying! You just... you just told me the size of your... you're being all sexy and... you're a tease!" Penny accused him, but she knew that there was a distinct possibility he didn't know what he was saying at all.

Sheldon glared at her, brow furrowed in consternation. "You aren't making any sense."

Penny threw her hands up in the air. "I know!" she exclaimed and then pointed at him. "It's your fault! You say stuff sometimes and you don't even understand what other people take from it."

"Penny, I can assure you I always understand exactly what I'm saying."

Penny laughed. She couldn't believe she was having this conversation with Sheldon inside Wil Wheaton's trophy room, which they had just broken into. "So you're saying you meant to tell me how big your ding dong is."

Sheldon looked pained. "Ding dong? Really Penny."

"Your penis! You meant to tell me the size of your penis?" She practically screamed at him.

"Well, yes. Why else would I reference it in conversation?"

"Wha?" she asked again. Oh god, she was totally going to pass out from shock. She was going to pass out, hit her head on Wil Wheaton's pedestal and die. He had to notice how agog her expression was, right? He should at least catch her in this scenario where she passed out _from shock_.

"Bazinga!" he exclaimed with unwarranted glee, now fully smirking.

Penny made a strangled sound in the back of her throat. Ok, he was doing this on purpose right? She gaped at him, a number of lines running through her mind, but she couldn't force any of them past her tongue. She now knew what Raj felt like, speechless in the presence of the opposite sex. Her hands were shaking from a combination of apprehension, disbelief, and yearning.

Don't think about Sheldon's penis.

"What?" Sheldon asked. "You're giving me a strange look that I cannot decipher. Would you be so kind as to enlighten me of the meaning of your expression for future reference?"

Penny shook her head in bemusement. "Now's not the time to explain to you how my mind works," she chided gently. Put it behind you, she told herself. Do not ask him to prove it was a joke.

_Don't think about Sheldon's penis._

"You're right, we could be here all night."

Penny giggled. "I'm right?" she teased. "Come on, let's get out of here before we're caught."

Sheldon looked around the room, his eyes fixating on one of the shelves. "I can't leave," he exclaimed, tone indicating his stress levels were elevated.

"Sheldon," Penny warned, recognising the look. She put herself between him and Wil Wheaton's collection of Trek whatever. "If you don't leave right now, I'll have to come up with good reason for us to be in this room in the first place."

_Don't think about Sheldon's penis._

"Penny! Wil Wheaton has a rare Mirror Universe Spock dagger. I can't leave without looking at it."

She was thinking about Sheldon's penis. Whoops.

It took her a moment to get back on track. Mirror dagger. Spock.

Yeah, right, like she was going to let him do that. Looking would lead to touching, and touching would lead to Sheldon's special version of the five finger discount, and there was no way she'd even catch him in the act if he tried. He was too sneaky. She wasn't going to jail because he stole some stupid knife that was really worth $3,000 or whatever.

The man had managed to undo her bra without her realizing his hand was even in the vicinity of her back. There was no way he was getting close enough to the Mirror Dagger to pull any tricks like that.

Now was the time to bring out the big guns.

_Don't think about Sheldon's penis, _she reminded herself.

"I've got a special treat for you if you decide to use it," she told him, pulling out a Mystic Warlords of Ka'a card, and not just any card, the Enchanted Bunny. "Think of it as a calling card of sorts. A signature to the crime you've committed. Show that nothing beats Enchanted Bunny, not as Sheldon Cooper plays it anyway."

Sheldon gingerly took the card from her, staring at it in his fingers for a moment. "Yes," he said suddenly, nodding to say it was decided. Frankly, she was surprised he wasn't lecturing her on the rules of Ka'a and all the things that did beat an Enchanted Bunny card. "I could be The Joker."

"Well?" she asked, trying not to roll her eyes and remind him he was Batman, not Joker. "Where are you going to put it?"

Yeah, it didn't even need saying at this point. Her mind was _there._

Sheldon deliberated for a moment, placing it on the pedestal and then removing it and placing it on the floor. He paused for a second, assessed, and then put it back on the pedestal.

Oh for crying out loud, why had she not seen this coming? If it took him half an hour to find somewhere to sit, of course he was going to take his time finding the ideal spot to stage his prank. "Sheldon," she hissed a warning. "We need to leave."

He wandered over to the bookcase, hand judging if that would be a good location to place the card. Penny inserted herself between him and the shelving unit, remembering that she shouldn't let him near the merchandise. Sheldon had sticky fingers. Metaphorically, of course, because Sheldon would never have actual sticky fingers if he could help it.

She turned him bodily and directed him towards the pedestal, and then, even though it was risky, she opened the door to the room. Anyone walking by could see them, but she didn't think Sheldon would be motivated into moving without a huge push. He could probably spend the night in here, concerned about the unfairness of Wil Wheaton owning a life-sided TARDIS when he, Sheldon Cooper, one of the greatest minds on the planet, did not.

"Allons-y Alonzo," she said, quoting his homeboy.

Sheldon looked at her in surprise. "I didn't think you were paying attention during _Voyage of the Damned_." Then he saw the open doorway at her back and yelped. It worked, she managed to distract him and cause him enough apprehension that he dropped the card and scurried out the door. She was a genius in ways entirely different than Sheldon's book knowledge of all-matters-of-the-universe.

She led Sheldon down the stairs, his presence at her back reassuring. When she looked back at him, he had a big grin on his face and she couldn't help but return the sentiment. They probably looked like a couple of goofs walking around with that smug, knowing grin, but Penny thought it more likely that people would think they just had sex in one of the bedrooms.

Not that she'd ever let on to Sheldon what people tended to assume.

Speaking of people making assumptions, they met Wil Wheaton on the stairs as he lead a group of people to the second floor. There was something weird and cyborg-y covering half his face. Of course there was. Penny was almost surprised all of the guests weren't wearing Morf masks or something.

"Penny?" he asked.

Stupid her, she paused and looked at him. He was probably approaching all the blonds and asking if they were her.

"Oh hey, Penny," Wil Wheaton exclaimed. "I've been looking for you. I wasn't sure you'd show up."

"Of course," Penny said with a friendly smile. "I wouldn't miss it. I've been... around. You have a nice house, and this is one heck of a party!"

His eyes went from Sheldon and then upstairs and his mouth turned down. "I should have known."

"What?" Penny asked overly innocently, widening her eyes behind the angel mask.

"I should have known that you'd like the pretty boy model type. Pretty much the antithesis of me. The kind of guy who thinks a trekkie is a long walk and whose IQ is in the double digits, but then who needs intelligence when they have a pouty mouth like that? Let's see Blue Steel." Wil Wheaton asked sardonically, gesturing at Sheldon's face.

Penny mouth gaped and she pinched Sheldon's thigh, hard. He yelped and jumped backwards out of her reach, but didn't say a word. She had warned him before entering the party that she would handle any talking where Wil Wheaton was involved, but he had just insulted Sheldon Cooper, PhD, genius-guy, and trekkie extraordinaire in about five difference ways, and Penny wasn't sure which Sheldon took the most offense to. If she had to guess, it was the IQ barb.

"That's rich coming from someone wearing a Locutus mask to a masquerade," Sheldon drawled, his Texan accent full-twang and his voice deliberately low and gruff. He sounded... well, besides sounding incredibly sexy and unlike himself, he also sounded derisive.

Wow, Penny mouthed. So it was the Trek slur Sheldon took the most offense to. She wished he would have heeded her warning and kept his mouth shut, because 1. Now he had Wil Wheaton's full attention, and 2. Good Golly, Good Grief, Good God, Holy Fucking Shit, she wanted him. For a moment Penny thought Wil Wheaton (still one name – when she had explained it to Sheldon, he had been confused as to how a polynym could be a mononym. She didn't have an answer) was going to challenge Sheldon to some kind of Trek Trivia faceoff, but instead he just wrinkled his nose as if there was a bad smell in the air and turned back to Penny.

"I'm about to show the boys my award room. Would you like to come?"

"No," Penny said, at the same time Sheldon said, "yes." She reached back and poked him in the same approximate place she pinched him. Since he apparently bruised easily, she hoped it hurt enough to convey her warning. Of course, she'd never seen any proof he bruised easily, just like she'd never witnessed proof he was asthmatic. She just took his word that he wouldn't lie about it.

There was a possibility Sheldon was just a big ol' hypochondriac though.

"I don't mean to brag," Wil Wheaton continued, "but I think you'll be very impressed. At the center of the room is my most prized possession, the thing that gives me the greatest pleasure, and I'd really like to show it off to a beautiful woman."

Bwahahaha, Penny's mind immediately went, and she struggled to school her expression into one of mild interest. "Oh?" she asked, swatting backwards at Sheldon, because _darn him_, he was snickering. She hadn't even thought Sheldon could get juvenile penis jokes, but there he was, vibrating at her back.

"Don't let the size fool you," Wil Wheaton boasted. "It's a very prestigious endowment to celebrate my skills in the trade."

Oh God, don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh, Penny chanted in her mind, digging her fingernails into her palms. The pain helped ground her a bit, but it also turned her smile slightly brittle around the corners. She was an actress, damn it, but this was shaping up to be almost too much. She could see the prank unfolding before her eyes, she and Sheldon walking into the award room behind Wil Wheaton and seeing the penis on the pedestal, and she would say 'you work in pornography?' or simply slap him.

"Sorry, I'm not really interested" she said with an apologetic grin and a shrug. "We need to be getting home."

"Oh," Wil Wheaton said, actually sounding disappointed despite the fact there were numerous lovely women at his party. She wondered if he'd hired them all or something. Penny also felt slightly bad. The way his face fell reminded her of Leonard's reaction the last time she turned him down for a date.

"Have a good evening!" Penny chirped, dragging Sheldon down the stairs. Wil Wheaton had no choice but to continue up to his award room, despite the fact that his entourage had just witnessed him getting turned down. She drew to a halt at the bottom of the stairs, unable to keep from snickering wildly. "Prestigious endowment!" she cackled, her head resting against Sheldon's bicep. Her mask kept getting in the way and she ripped it off her face instead of moving from against him. The silk ribbon got tangled in her hair, and Sheldon plucked it free for her, his gaze barely wavering from the staircase. "That was the best, wasn't that the best?"

Sheldon didn't answer her rhetorical question. He had his head cocked, and his eyes were intent on the stairs. A small smile graced his (pouty) mouth. "I hate that man. He was objectifying you with his eyes, on top of all previous grievances."

"The horror," Penny winked and she dragged Sheldon through the kitchen and out through a side door. There were a number of people milling around, smoking and chatting in the cool air. It was quieter out here without the noise of the crowd or the overt sound of music thrumming in her ears.

Nothing, not even the shrieking tones of Ke$ha, could cover the next sound.

"!" Wil Wheaton raged, the scream carrying from upstairs.

Sheldon paused, inhaling sharply through his nose. Then he did an excited little hop that had her grinning foolishly at him.

Penny looked at him, about to tell him they had to leave in case Wil Wheaton put together two and two and realized who he was. "We should vamoo—" she cut off as Sheldon tugged sharply on her hand and his mouth descended onto hers.

Sheldon was kissing her and Penny's brain was frying, wires sizzling under the implications of Sheldon Cooper kissing her, willingly initiating the contact without any encouragement. At first, his mouth simply pressed against hers, but then he was impatiently and insistently pushing forward, mouth moving against her lips. Her toes curled in her high heels, her bare legs brushed against the hard faux-leather of his ridiculous, but sexy pants. There was heat wafting off his legs, his long fingers curling around her naked shoulders shooting pleasure through her brain, soothing the shock.

His plastic mask felt strange and foreign against her cheek, but the hand slowly trailing down her back to press against the base of her spine so he could draw her closer was becoming familiar.

It was his mouth, though, that was astonishing. It had always been her in control, but he was stroking his tongue against hers, confidently navigating through all the tricks she'd subtly initiated into his repertoire over the last few months. It was amazing. He was amazing.

His teeth nipped at her bottom lip and she pushed her hips flush against his. He merely tightened his grip on her so she couldn't move away and continued kissing her until neither could catch their breath. His thigh was pressed between hers, keeping her upright, and the world was spinning.

"Penny," Sheldon murmured. "Thank you for this opportunity."

At first her poor addled brain thought he meant the opportunity to kiss her, but then she realized he had been so overjoyed at Wil Wheaton's reaction to the prank and the part she played in it, that he had kissed her. That's what he was thanking her for, and wow, what a show of gratitude.

They stood there, his forehead pressed against hers – or at least the plastic mask where his forehead was – and one hand pressed against the curvature of her spine and the other tangled in her hair, permanently dislodging the updo she had painstakingly and neatly arranged. Their breath was mingled, and Penny couldn't see anything but the blues of his eyes, complex and mysterious in the dim light.

She loved him, but she'd never really allowed herself to hope for this, despite the fact it was on her list of goals. She thought, when she first realized she had feelings for him, it would be a million times easier to invent a time machine to travel back to the day they met and warn herself to run away than it would be to love him unrequitedly. She hadn't expected him to show steps towards being interested in their blossoming romance so soon. Or ever.

Sheldon Cooper was falling in love with her, she was almost sure of it.

Penny grinned softly, just a small curve of her lips as she pressed her mouth against Sheldon's again. Her stilettos put her closer to his level, and he was already leaning slightly to accommodate her.

She pulled away quickly, yet reluctantly. "We should leave," she told him, lacing her fingers through his. She was almost sure now that he wouldn't mind the contact. If asked, Penny wouldn't be able to explain why she knew everything had changed, but she had felt the shift, not in the moment he kissed her, but in the moment he kept kissing her beyond the heady impulsiveness brought on by victory against his enemy. She felt it in the way he had held her afterwards, not moving his face away from hers.

Her heart was soaring, and there was a thrill travelling up her spine.

It wasn't until she reached the car that she realized she was going to have to tell him. She couldn't go any further when the first steps to their relationship had been based in a lie. At the time she thought she'd be able to deal with it, because she couldn't see any other way to coax Sheldon into a relationship, but she could see it would be a guilty albatross hanging around her neck if this progressed beyond where they were now.

"I have a confession to make," she told him, unable to look at him directly. She waited until he was settled in the car, his seatbelt one more added barrier hindering a quick escape. "I wouldn't be surprised if you hated me afterwards."

"Okay," he answered uncertainly, turning his knees away from her so that his body was no longer facing in her direction, but his eyes were appraising her. They were blue and beguiling, eyes which had trusted her in the past and Penny winced.

"I lied."

"When you said you loved me?" he asked, face closing off to her. His expression went stony, eyes flat and deadened.

Penny's heart leapt in her throat and choked her, making it impossible for her to speak for a moment. "What? No? How could you think...? No. No, that wasn't a lie, of course that wasn't a lie. Please Sheldon, believe me." She inhaled rapidly, the rush of air sounding shaky and frantic even to her own ears as she reached for his hand. "I could never lie to you about that. I do love you, but I made a mistake. I thought that if I told you that Leonard thought you weren't clever enough to prank him that you and I would be able to spend time together, and maybe I'd be able to find opportunities to kiss you." She blushed at this, actually blushed at the thought that she had succeeded on that account. "I was going to tell you earlier, I swear it. I convinced myself not to go through with it, that I'd let our relationship progress naturally no matter how long it took, even if nothing ever happened. But you seemed to be so into playing pranks that I didn't want to let go."

"Oh, is that all?" Sheldon asked, shoulders relaxing. "I knew."

"You knew?" Penny echoed incredulously.

"Leonard is terrified of me and had expressed the sentiment just the day before. Judging by the nervous veneer of sweat emerging from his pores, I judged him to be quite serious. Of course in retrospect he could have accidentally ingested lactose."

"You knew?" Penny repeated. "Then why did you go along with me?"

"Curiosity of course," he responded with a shrug. "At first I wanted to discover your true purpose and I saw no reason not to take you up on your offer. Then I found myself caught up in the campaign."

"Still," she said in a tight voice, not sure how she liked being played in return. "I lied to you and I'm sorry."

"What was your purpose? Surely it couldn't have been actively finding ways to kiss me."

"You weren't complaining," she pointed out, gratified to see him smirk at her. "I thought it would give us time together, working on a single goal. Maybe you'd start to appreciate having me in your life."

Sheldon fell silent and turned to face the front. After she stared at him expectantly for a moment, he gestured to the steering wheel. "I'm finished with this conversation, unless you have more to confess, in which case, we may continue this discourse on the way home. If that proves too difficult, I can give you approximately thirteen minutes of my time once we reach the apartment, barring unforeseeable traffic incidences."

"You're all heart, Sheldon," she said sardonically as she started the car. "Usually, in circumstances like this, the gentleman says something enlightening and encouraging to the lady so she has hope that maybe he also likes her, or at least doesn't resent her for making out with him in multiple places, including his coworker's office, his friend's coat closet, and the backyard of his most hated enemy."

"Non-optional social convention?" Sheldon asked, tone high and confused.

She was feeling blindsided enough by his confession that she felt the need to pursue this despite the fact she felt it wasn't going to end well. "Non-optional relationship convention," she informed him crisply.

"Relationship!" Sheldon yelped, fingers clutching the armrest for a reason that didn't have to do with her driving for once.

"What did you think this was, Sheldon?" When he didn't answer, she took pity on him. "Lemme ask you this. Why did you kiss me? That first time in your apartment. Surely you knew I did it because I was angry and frustrated, but you changed the tone of the kiss on your own."

"You were hurting my teeth."

"You could have pulled away!" She snapped. "But you didn't, you kissed me! I can't understand why you let me, why you always let me. And 'let' doesn't even cover it. You could let me kiss you by standing completely still, but you participate. Why?"

"You love me," he stated unequivocally. "Why?"

"Because you're you," Penny answered automatically. Oh, well there it was. She had her answer, her romantic moment, even if it took a while to decode Sheldon's meaning. She'd actually kind of known all along. "When we get home I'm going to kiss you again. Fair warning."

"If you must," he answered, crossing his arms over his chest. "I can spare twenty minutes."

"Oh wow, an extra seven minutes sacrificed from your sleep just for me?" she teased.

"Hardly," he sniffed. "I forgot to take into account that you drive like a banshee straight from the Special Hell."

Penny snickered. He _forgot?_ Riiight. "Half an hour, and I'll let you put your hands under my skirt when you grope my butt." Sheldon definitely had a thing for it, and she had definitely noticed.

Of course, that didn't make it a smart thing to say to Sheldon Cooper, the guy who didn't realize he was in a relationship and who kind of hated physical contact except for when his hands were actually groping her butt.

He froze, getting a deer-in-headlights look, which was actually exacerbated by the real headlights of passing cars. He had to clear his throat three times before answering, which was frankly quite adorable. "Twenty five," he bargained. "Take it or leave it."

She took it. He had her out of her dress by ten. She forgot to count after thirteen, and she wasn't sure Sheldon cared anymore around the fifteen minute mark when she slipped her hand into his pants to see if he had been telling the truth earlier.

And that, well, a girl doesn't kiss and tell. Especially when she has nothing to complain about.

x.x.x.

Penny awoke the next morning with Sheldon's hand resting on her butt – well, lower back – which was both adorable and surprising considering the way he usually slept, and shockingly masculine for someone like Sheldon who downright eschewed sex. She hadn't even known he could be possessive, or sleep like a normal person, before last night. But there he was, sleeping on his stomach with one leg tangled in hers and his breath tickling her hair across her back.

As it turned out the key to his deal was kept in her ass. She wasn't sure whether she should laugh at that or not, but she figured she had her own thing for his hands, so it worked out rather well for them.

For the first time in a long while Penny found herself waking up next to a man without a sick feeling of despair in her stomach. Of course, she'd stopped dating four months ago when she realized she was in love with him, but before that there had been a string of regrets. Smiling softly, she toyed with the short strands of hair on his head, tuffs sticking up in complete disregard for any kind of follicular order.

She was overwhelmed by the feeling of peace that overcame her, emotions swelling up beneath her breast at the sensation of rightness, of everything falling into place for the first time in her life. She hadn't thought it was possibly to love Sheldon any more than she already did, but each new day seemed determined to prove her wrong.

Slowly, she eased on her side, realizing that his sleeping position wasn't so strange after all. His body was simply mimicking how she usually slept, limbs all akimbo in what she referred to as the starfish pose. She couldn't take her eyes off him, his cheeks slightly puffed and face relaxed as he breathed. He was clad in the spare pyjamas she had bought him and hid in the bottom drawer of her dresser, long before the concept of romantic love even entered the equation. Penny pressed her hand against his back, her mind anticipating seduction, but her heart content just the feel the rhythm of his breathing.

He cracked an eye open.

"Hey," she breathed.

"Good morning Penny," he returned, flexing his shoulders beneath her palm. "Good lord, woman, what have you done to force me to sleep in such an unnatural position? My lumbar health will be in question all day."

Penny giggled. "And here I thought I sexed the crazy out of you." She emphasized the fact she was joking by tapping his nose. Her finger dragged over his bottom lip. She rolled onto her back and shot him an overly coy look. "I could try again."

"Have you brushed your teeth?"

"Have you brushed _yours_?" she countered wriggling.

"Halitosis is patently unsexy, Penny. I might consider '_sexing you up'_ if you brush your teeth."

Penny was out of bed like a shot, able to hear the sound of his laughter as she spread toothpaste on her brush. "You too buddy," she said, tossing him a new toothbrush still in the packaging. The words came out sounding more like 'oo who huddy'. "I'll go rinse in the kitchen sink."

She was standing in the kitchen frantically scrubbing her toothbrush across her teeth, wondering if he'd inspect her handiwork with his tongue, when a knock pounded at her door.

"Hello Leonard," she said, toothbrush hanging out the side of her mouth.

"I've lost Sheldon!" Leonard wailed.

"I'm right here," Sheldon said from behind her. "And really, Leonard. What kind of preposterous statement is that? I cannot be lost when..."

"I knew it!" Leonard shouted in delight, interrupting Sheldon and causing Penny to jar her toothbrush against the roof of her mouth. "I knew you and Penny were sleeping together. You can't fool me, buddy. I saw right through you."

"Also preposterous," Sheldon commented. "Penny and I only introduced a sexual component to our relationship last night. In fact, we are overdue to iterate the experience and you are interrupting. Goodbye Leonard."

He slammed the door impatiently and had her up against it a moment later.

The End.

x.x.x.x.x.

A/N: Thank you for reading. I love reviews, feedback, or just receiving PMs that say hi. As promised, there is a sex scene for this chapter that can be found following the links in my profile. Talitha Koum also created a wonderful image based on the scene on the dance floor. They should be easily accessible through my profile.

I will be posting chapter one of _Apocalypse Week_ next week.

SpaceAnJL: Thank you for the image of Sheldon in a cape. I've never been able to get it out of my head. If anyone wants to read more Sheldon-cape goodness, check out her _The Paladin Protocol._ It's epic win.


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